Wednesday, February 29, 2012


This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.

This flight is always a killer. I don't think the dimming of the cabin lights help. At least Virgin was cheaper on the way there - they are at least courteous enough to have per seat entertainment, we have Qantas on the way home, which for a higher price ticket gives you a less comfortable seat on an older 767 which only has a single projector for over 30 rows of seats with 7 people seated in each row. Unless you're in the first four rows, you can't see much at all. It's a five hour flight. But the choice of Qantas for this older, less comfortable plane and now a complete absence of choice of food as a cost cutting measure results in a question of what are you are now paying for to fly with the premium airline of Australia.

I think about Haruka Nishimatsu. Now that is how an airline should be run.

I think of the company I work for now, the numbers still race around my head about how much everything just within arms reach costs. My work chair is ergonomic. They type of chair the two previous groups I worked for would have required a business case, two approvals and a lengthy waiting period to obtain is DEFAULT. As far as I understand someone noticed that there was an increased output from those with ergonomic chairs so thought "Hell, why don't we give them to everybody?" Somebody else said "We have a lot of people on every level, why don't we put two microwaves in every kitchen?" "Why don't we have five offices in Brisbane if we have more than 6,000 staff?" Sure, everything is still accounted for, but it's the type of organisation who wants the best for its workers. Okay maybe on the mine sites, it's unpleasant, but when I have been encouraged to speak to higher ups about cost cutting measures and procedure improvements, I just pick up that there have been a number of things that other organisations have tried to pull off, that this one has.

I turn up the brightness of the display and try to decipher the third song featuring Pitbull this hour. I mean, yes, okay, our body clocks are sitting at 2am when we get in, but surely keeping people up, rather than encouraging them to sleep and waking them up, is much better for those about to drive around a foreign city. Or meet relatives. It would so much nicer to get off the plane buzzing for at least an hour to get home before sleeping falling fast asleep - That's what we're always told about jetlag, Stay up. Even after a year of non university my body has only shifted my perrsonal sleep preference from the 3am  -12pm timeslot, to 2am - 10.45am slot. Right now I can feel my brain going onto a lower power mode to try and brace for the things that may unfold tonight. It will. It should all go smoothly, but it's still nerve racking.

The ticket crumpled into the seat pocket catches my eye again clearly showing the date. How the hell am I twenty two. Well, okay, time passed when I wasn't looking, but mores the point, how am I still alive, have I made any correct discussions? I'm happy with how I want to end this year, but I still am unsure if I'm going to pull it off. I'm going to forget something. Miss something.But still, I think I've found enough references saying that I am exempt from the Civic Intergration Examination, so that at least takes some pressure off. I wonder if, at some point, I put at the back of my mind "Oh I HAVE to do that by the time I'm 22." 

I hope if I ever had, that I have completed it subconsciously. 22 Always sounded scary. There are cards, gifts, all the way up to 21, but once you are twenty two, you are considered too old for the gimmicks. Now, of  course, I have no idea if there is suppose to be anything special about that. Maybe I'm over thinking things. I just feel I still haven't done anything. The only things I had in my plan was school, high school, uni and then get into a job, I had no plans past then. I was hoping things would happen to me and options would just be presented. Of course there is the options of the things that should happen by the end of the year. After all these years of complaining about not having a companion, it still has taken me by surprise. But, so far, all good things that I have preferred much more than the time I had alone last year.

These flights always seem endless, sure, on this aeroplane there are things to watch. I could look through more of my rage comic cache on my phone. I could go for a walk to the toilet and look at my phone there. A lot of business types use the opportunity to cue up emails which are probably out of date by the time they reach a source of network connect to empty their outbox, but I wish someone could come up with a concept of actually achieving something on a flight. On some planes, there are options to play games with those around you, but it's not really taken full advantage of. Some people talk with the people around them, but what would be a good idea, is something to really engage all the passengers in something. Not a horrible team building game, but that is a starting point. Some sort of interactive activity, that can be participated in sitting down, but can force all these various people to connect who would not, given any other circumstance. Someone start tossing round a balloon. A massive game of Pictionary between the various classes. I remember games played in the car growing up of car drives of similar length,and time sometimes going very quickly if the right game, the right amount of topics of discussion. Didn't need no movie, just a clever logic puzzle. But no, each seat or group of seats is an isolated booth in which talking to others is a mostly unique experience. The same thing can be said about houses. I'm in a block of flats with several other people. But do we interact? No. The closest I've had to a discussion with one tennant was him believing I shut my door too loudly at around 7.30 in the morning when I'm going to work and he's just waking up. So those times when I've been alone have been very isolating to say the least. Much like this plane seat. I have interacted with other people in Brisbane, but only one or two would actually read this post, and one of those is to continue my psychological evaluation.. I had two periods alone last year. One felt like it went forever. It was roughly two weeks. It felt so long, with no clear goal, hoping for that eventual exit back into work. This time. This time, it flew. I have had holidays between schooling which have been enjoyable for the lack of responsibility. This was enjoyable for the exact opposite. I could have done more, and part of me still thinks I could have, but another parts of me is more proud of the mindset of doing less, but making it count. Although there are times when I just plain pissed off my co-inhabitant with this.

I guess that maybe another reason why I've felt so isolated in plane seats, I still don't have the drive to go out of my way to create that atmosphere on a plane. Even though I want to be a guy who manages to get those seated in rows 40 to 59 engaged in a game of 20 Questions to pass the time, I rather internalise and just pretend I did in my head. A place where I am a much better person and can think of something special to say to the person next to me, to keep them awake and dismiss all fears they may have of what is waiting for them after this flight comes to a close.

Maybe she wishes it wouldn't end.
Maybe she wishes that this wouldn't make everything real
Maybe she's scared that the feeling that has been running through her head for the previous months will fade

But then again, she's not like me in many ways.

Whether I want it or not, there's still ages to go, the FLTTRK channel is still showing well over an hour and we're only just crossing South Australia. Distance is a strange thing. As humans, we've broken all sorts of boundaries to try and make this whole planet accessible, but only after dividing it up in ways that can make even areas within hundreds of kilometres of each other as distance as the nearest star. Language, culture, interpretation of human behaviour. Laws to get into a country. Laws to get out of a country. It's not perfectly easy. Maybe others don't find it so much but to think "Later today, I will be in a tube for a few hours, and emerge in a place where everything is the same, yet very, very different."

It looks like it's going to be a rough landing. The plane shudders with the force of the wind. My stomach growls, reminding me that my stomach still has very strict limits on uncontrolled movement. But a deal is a deal. Some promises are just sewn too deep. The contents of the plane absorb the introduced friction of the ground a reassuring feeling reappears in the group. Even those of s accustomed to flying still know there are risks, there are risks leaving your house and there are risks entrusting two people to operate a machine which is at the mercy of the weather. The moment when you arrive at the correct destination. There's still relief. Except for some, who have another journey to start before the evening draws to a close.

I chose to pretend to be patient, those who were annoyed that no one started an impromptu game of  charades on the plane now just want to head to a place where they can sleep. I always find it the part of the flight which I thought the aviation industry would have tried to remove. Light off, familiar 'ping' crowd creates line. Crowd waits. It's the most awkward wait. Conversations have run their natural course. majority of baggage has been retrieved from overhead storage. Yet the crowd waits as a final  round of checks commence to assure the plane will not fall down when everyone gets out. It's like that wait between dinner and dessert when you have been waiting all day for mousse. It's that final agonising time, when you know the delay, for what ever reason, is necessary, but just as to what is never revealed. People shift wait, both in the plane and in a hallway mere metres away. There are no clues as to when the expected will arrive. There is no previously agreed upon exchange. We all knew this moment would occur in advance. And yet, suddenly, an identification will be made and an impromptu exchange will need to occur. The greeting party have no knowledge of what occurred during the flight, the chosen words will have to allow for all situations. A general interpretation can be made of the flight can be made from whatever the arrivees chose to say, and how it is spoken should correctly convey mood. But the hosts will have to wait so they can make the appropriate plesentaries, making sure to mirror the enthusiasm of the newly arrived.

I decide dismiss the need for the other party to pose a small talk question to extract this mood from us, with all the strength I can muster I produce the words "Mum, Sister #1, Sister #2..."

For an instant, as I turn to indicate the passenger who has manged to keep pace with me on the airobridge, my voice quivers as energy I didn't know I had puts all my concentration into correctly forming the second half of the sentence.

"This, is Stalkee #3."

My mind blanks out as it achieves this.

I mean, who the hell cares what happens now?


My last post was actually before I met Stalkee #3. Which feels so weird. Exactly one week, if you are interested.

Now, that particular weekend didn't go so well. Typically my death threat count stays more minimal than it did that weekend.

But here we are, March 2012 and we're sharing the same toothpaste. And the only reason that she don't like that is because I use too much.

To be fair, I could say the same about her shampoo usage, but I guess I don't have more teeth than she does.

Despite my apparently exorbitant consumption re:Toothpaste, she has willingly increased my music collection and highlighted several songs that will be particularly fitting for this section, as a result, I will be intertwining them over the next few posts (Probably about 5 years worth of songs at the rate I post.) with my own selections:

"The Adventure" - Angels and Airwaves. I guess I could let her put her explanation into this choice. I guess I could my explanation of this choice from her choices, but rather, this one, I feel, is quite obvious, so I'll just let it speak for itself.

"Melbourne Cliches" - D-Generation. 

 "My Happiness" - Powderfinger. Annoyingly she just looked at me funny when I played this.

Graffiti of the Week:

Not strictly graffiti, instead two personalised car licence plates that Stalkee #3 refuses to add to her collection.

If you wanted to be accurate, it really should only say "TCP" (See what I did there?)

If you wanted to be accurate here, there should be a whole lot of these in a line continually crashing into a brick barrier that's on fire.

Until I get banned from the network, goodnight!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Small, unrelated events.

This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.


Maybe if I'd didn't look at the ABC website and see that SuperTed was available on DVD I wouldn't have stayed up so late on the Thursday night and I would have gone to bed earlier, and I would have been more awake at work the next day and none of this would have happened.

Maybe if I didn't take so long choosing today's clothes I would have been more alert and none of this would have happened.

Maybe if I'd slept that little bit longer and missed my bus, and felt obliged to have lunch later, none of this would have happened.

Maybe if I didn't go out last night, or didn't waste so much time on Friday morning, I would have made my lunch like I normally do and none of this would have happened.

Maybe if I hadn't got distracted by a call, I wouldn't of left for lunch later than I normally do, and none of this would have happened.

Maybe if I didn't have that health scare (I'll get to it.) earlier this year, I would of taken the lift, and none of this would have happened.

Maybe if I went straight to lunch, and didn't read through a few news articles first, I wouldn't have been so annoyed at people going down the stairs.

Maybe if, in my moment jerk back to reality in which I realised I should be concentrating on the stairs so I don't trip, I would have completely stopped, or just completed the step I was on, rather than I minor freak out and choosing to jump the rest of the eight stairs.

Maybe in that moment, where I realised I was going down eight stairs and might not make it, I could of changed my angle, and aimed for the bottom stair.

Maybe if I hadn't brought the cheaper shoes two weeks ago, they would of had better grip, and I wouldn't of fallen after attempting to land solely on my right foot.

Maybe if I'd had dry cleaned my other pants earlier in the week as I had originally intended, I would have worn another pair, and when I slid across the floor, the wouldn't have ripped.

Maybe after coming back from lunch, someone had immediately noticed the hole, I would of been sent away for workcover stuff immediately.

Maybe if I wasn't such a beggar for attention, I wouldn't have posted about the hole on Facebook, and my annoyance that I'll have to get it repaired.

Maybe if I hadn't friended one of the people I work with on Facebook, he wouldn't have asked me about the hole from across the room.

Maybe if my team leader wasn't in earshot. He wouldn't of heard and wanted to see the hole too.

Maybe if I hadn't revealed that it had happened in the stairwell, and let them believe that it had happened when I was at home, everyone would have laughed and got on with everything.

Maybe if I had filled out the incident report faster, I would have put the icepack on earlier.

Maybe if I had booked a doctor in the city, rather than my usual.

Maybe if I had just booked the appointment for Saturday rather than thinking I could get from the city to Kedron in 30 minutes on a Friday afternoon.

Maybe if I had called and organised the taxi as I'd put the ice pack on, rather than after the required 30 minutes, I would have have got the taxi on time, instead of waiting, getting a taxi that wouldn't pick me up (As I wasn't going to the airport.) or maybe I would have got the second one that just completely drove past.

Maybe if I had suggested the back route I knew instead of letting the taxi stick to main roads, I may have made that appointment, rather being dropped off a kilometre away from my house.

Maybe then I wouldn't have had to go in to the medical centre the next morning, then maybe I wouldn't have decided to go food shopping on the way home (as I was driving past) without full knowledge of what I actually needed to restock.

And that my friends, is today's lesson.

"Don't fall down stairs, you'll end up with 2.5kg of shredded cheese in the fridge."

But by now someone is probably overly concerned about my "prior health scare"

Blurred vision just kinda freaked me out a bit, and after reflecting on my last 21 year worth of diet, I thought it was high time that I found out if I had broken my body yet. Seven little tubes of blood later, I have a healthy cholesterol, regular blood sugars, a normal thyroid, healthy kidneys. After a diet with a high carnivorous content, the last question in the world I thought I'd be asked was:

"Your iron is a little low, how much meat do you eat?"

Well that did knock the wind out of me all round. My blood is healthy, my pancreas hasn't packed it in, and my body demands a six meats pizza for dinner. All jokes aside, I do need to start eating better to get it well into the next 50+ years, but the fact is, this first twenty have been pretty much void so far. 

So yeah, that's been my last couple of weeks. Also transitioning to new job, but, minor detail. Seriously, the thing was the cheese is much more interesting.

CCMMOTM for October:
Okay, so this didn't have quite the affect I was hoping for. I was hoping actually that Stalkee  #3 would like the idea, and possibly even send me some suggestions for songs that she thought would be also representing how she was feeling at the present time. Well, I'm not sure what she actually thought of it because she chose to completely ignore it. She didn't even like my last post.. :( Not that I need some sort of artificial crutch of respect and admiration of everything I do as being perfect and sweet through her eyes. 

But it does help. 

Dude, hasn't she 'liked' nearly every other post you make?

Yes, that's true, but this was my first public venting about talking about how much her drunk texts really mean the world to me and she chose to ignore it.

Wait, so you asked "What did you think of CCMMOTM?" and she changed the subject?

Well, I didn't exactly bring it up..

So, you haven't actually heard what she thought of the post, so you're assuming she hates it?

Well, yeah, why wouldn't she not bring it up?

Because, maybe she missed it? Dude, you make like 6 posts an hour some days, and you expect her to notice a blog post?

Yeah, well I sware someone from the Netherlands appeared in my stats.

Yes, I did read it, it wasn't bad, it just wasn't your best, plus your music selections weren't great, I just thought that our relationship was better than random songs you picked scrolling through your 'borrowed' music folder, oh and in your "unsubtle mix" you missed out a few really obvious songs that you really ought to have included.

Okay, seriously, is she going to keep appearing like that?

Most likely.

Hello, you must be Lachlan's self-consciousness.

Maybe. Look, do you wanna hear his CCMMOTM for October and then November or not?

I guess.

The Pursuit of Happiness - The Divine Comedy Okay, yes, this one just happened to be one Shuffle landed on a lot last month, but seriously, it has a nice message - "I'm happy, you're happy, the world is screwed up but let's just get together anyway." And seriously, that orchestral section in the middle is just awesome.

Yeah, it's okay. 

Thank you. Forever is a long time and to be with one person forever is getting harder, so I chose this next one specifically because I think it really positively reflects on how important time is together, as well as apart.

Oh god, you're just going to pick "Without You" for November aren't you?

No, much like "Just the Way You Are." I have issues with this.

Oh now you've done it, he's going to rant now...

It might be interesting...

Say that when you've been in here 10 years

Yes, "Without You" does sound nice, but much like "Replay" sure, it's catchy and gets in your head - but then you realise what it's actually about. It's not just a sweet, "I have been with you so long, I can't imagine life without you" or "I just want to be around you a lot, and I feel really comfortable around you." It's


As much as I love to be clingy - this guy just is to the point of annoyance,

"Oh I can't do anything unless you're beside my side I even have trouble making regular bowel movements" -  To the point where he states that he is incapable of the following things:

- Movement
- Sight
- Be able to think positively
- Sleep

Look, man, there was a time before this girl, I'm sure she's awesome, and it's not just because she has a nice rack, but you were able to sleep before her, in fact, love actually stimulates serotonin production, a side effect of which can result in irregular sleep/poor sleep. So there, breaking up may actually lead to a better sleeping pattern, so it might be better for you in the long run.

I'm sorry, but a strong relationship is one thing, but I'm giving this girl full permission to dump his ass for being over dependant and clingy. 

And I'm pretty sure the main melody is a rip off from "Chopsticks" as well as the piano from "Yellow" in the last 25 seconds.

You think the piano from "Yellow" is in everything.

Oh that isn't true, sometimes it's the four cords from "Don't Stop Believin'" sometimes it's the eight notes from " Pacabell's cannon in D"

The CCMMOTM for November has actually been a bit harder, 

You know, you could just pick "Submarine Symphonika" and be done with it.

I could, but, I'd like you to know that there was actually thought behind the choice. Annoyingly, the more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes...

I can hear housemate #2 sighing right now and thinking "Really? Really Lachlan?" Well, Housemate #2 (And Housemate #1 if he gets roped into this discussion.) YES, SHE WORTH WATCHING HIGH SCHOOL RUMBLE. 

I just want it on the record that I sent you that song months ago as a piece of advice.

If you let me continue, I would of said "Actually, this is cheating a bit, because she sent this as a bit of advice." It was sitting there all along, and it's perfect. You see, but the next blog post, a moment will have occurred which will either go fantastic, or go down like the Hindenburg. And the outcome will depend purely on whether the timing was actually right. Whether it was smart to pick this date in particular, in this location in particular, or whether I should have waited. I will know all of this, by the next post. Which is very scary. So I have to sort out an environment which is neutral and that if things go wrong, they don't go overly wrong. That is, the moment will not occur on a blimp suspended by Hydrogen. I'm trying to stay away from eateries. I mean, there is always Happy Feet 2.

Really? REALLY? REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAALLLLY? You're trying to create a romantic setting and the best you can do is a kid's film, the first of which, granted, did have romantic content, but is it really possible that the second one won't over emphasise on the importance of conservation as opposed to the fact that every six months a bird walks 40 kilometres to have 30 seconds of sex, then proceeds to stand in a huddle with hundreds of other guys?

Ah, now that's what the third one should be about, the awkwardness of being homosexual in the huddle. 

Just an FYI, talking about homosexuality in birds is generally a turn off.

Noted. Okay, granted, I can see it having even more environmental overtones and an even younger target audience for some reason. But hey, not everyday you walk into a movie theatre and think "Geez, some of these guys are more likely to get to second base during this film than I am...." Although, the number of people complaining about the fact that Mumble doesn't look aged does give me hope that there maybe people above the age of five genuinely interested in seeing this. 

Anyway, the next couple of weeks is for me, and me alone to mess up.

Graffiti of the Week:

This week's selections come from a series of improved posters from around a building site in West End in which new sky rise apartments are to be located, which apparently are being marketed toward androgynous couples who love almost kissing in front of matte paintings of generic skylines.

Male: How do I tell I've been sleeping with Sarah?
Female: How do I tell I've been sleeping with Sarah

Invite Sarah to a game of charades and see where things go from there.

Male (Made more apparent this time by someone drawing male genitals on him, unfortunately, were not biology experts, so have drawn them on his face.)
Female: I would love you more if we lived in the river

Unfortunately, single white female, the Brisbane river is a high traffic waterway, meaning stationary buoyant accommodation is impossible.

Male: Drown me already

These apartments are actually located some distance away from the river, in order to successfully submerge your respiratory system, you would have to perform a 15 minute walk or a 5 minute bus ride on one of Translink's  many convenient routes that travel in and around South Bank and the central business district of Brisbane.

Until I get banned from the network, or get worker's compensation for a bruise that has all but disappeared, good bye.

You only just got that breastfeeding joke now, didn't you?

Friday, September 30, 2011

A Wealth of Experiences

This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.

It's been how long? Wow. A while. As in more than 1/4 of the year. Interesting, I recently got a phone call that people from my old job were curious as to where I was and what I was doing. Thank you very much - I feel wanted or something. Well, you haven't missed much. That job. That girl. Some rugs and an experience with a wallet.

That job.
Now the job is in an IT department for a mining/engineering/rail/consulting group. Well, when I saw that, it's one company with a few different divisions. Ever since working for a government department, I've felt antsy about giving out places I have allegiances to - but you can just check my Facebook profile. Two problems have occured, one is, there was always plans to standardise the division, give them one standard operating environment. But of course, I say standard operating environment, people laugh. Due to different hardware specifications and software requirements if you're in a company where every computer is exactly the same (In terms of hard drive content.) Then there are two possibilities, one, there is only one computer, two, there is only one account that everybody uses.  Of course, what happened is originally, all this divisions were operating with their own environments. A CEO somewhere said "Let's get 'em all together. It'll be cheaper and make more profit." "Alright sounds good." A techie somewhere said "Hold on a second. All the systems are different." that CEO then went "Well, pick the best one or something, get them all together." Techie said "Aw. Crap." So, big plan went into action, to 'pick the best one' or rather, 'make one computer image for all the places'

But when I say 'all the images' were different. I mean, everything was different, different help desks, different software, different networks (right down to network masks.) different intranet layouts, different VPN setups. Just... EVERYTHING, how the applications ran, how it was all maintained. TRUST ME, it was messed up. So, they started bringing it all together. First things first, making them all managed by one help desk. This turned out to be a massive task in itself, it was brought down to two help desks, one in Sydney, one in Brisbane, each responsible for three divisions. Then, training occurred to attempt to at least get all the divisions serviced by both. After all this, they decided to stop and attempt to plan their next move, the "picking the best image" choosing the right processes, infrastructure, implementation, indeed, the very future of the network. This sounded very long and very expensive, so someone said "Why don't we outsource?"

"Outsourcing" is the act of someone saying "It's all too hard. Let someone else deal with all this crap."  Not realising that some other group has now got to come, understand all the current processes, and implement a whole new design, all while trying to turn a profit. Profit, being the key word here. As much as outsourcing can be good a forcing a single image over a weird environment like ours, it's going to fail. Why? Because they ALL do. Being part of a transition team requires you to be an optimist but never learn from previous mistakes.  All the takeover company really wants to do is sell a whole lot of equipment at once, but there are so many issues - such as that all the support of the company will be taken over by the external, who has spent years developing processes and strategies to run it's networks, all of which they want to do to the network they are taking over. For which they already have perfectly trained staff. In no transition will you hear of all the service centre staff being taken on by the new company, because they already have staff. Take over companies are also responsible for many companies and want the standard support staff to be able to support any of them (Hence, the "streamlining" of procedures.) . So, letting all he people go who know the old "useless" procedures, and just letting all the people who knows your processes take over everything.This makes perfect sense from a corporate perspective. But, of course, what happens is pretty much the same thing that happens if you gave a cat to someone who'd only ever looked after dogs. You get boat captain with no understanding of the buoyancy of icebergs. You get a pilot with a misunderstanding of the flammability of hydrogen gas. You get a guy, who has a misunderstanding of how electrons flow through a battery, with jumper leads.

What I'm trying to say is there is a horrible transition to a even worse state.

Okay, I'm not saying that eventually the network will be better off. It'll just only happen via a horrible period where every facet of the business will be unproductive. Server swap outs will mean downtime, image rollouts will mean downtime. Less call centre staff looking after more companies will mean longer wait times when calling up. And that makes me sad. Will there be any on call? I can't tell you because we haven't been able to look at the contract. The contract being signed by a guy who 6 months prior said, "We will only outsource over my dead body." So not only has it just generally been terrible, some sold out their values.

There have been roles offered.  And I've applied for one, but I think I may have been turned down for two, but I don't know because these are the type of group which don't get back to the people they reject. I've found this more and more common with recruiters. I'm not sure why this is considered polite. It's called, being annoying by being uncertain to all the applicants. Luckily for me, there's more in the pipeline - but that's not the thing that gets to me, it's not about the job, it's not about the uncertainty of where I'll go if I don't get a job in Queensland. It's the fact that IT support is something I take very seriously - and I don't like to know that it's being handed off to groups who don't really know the networks that well (Seeing they have to deal with so many.) and also, in those companies, privileges to even create users on AD are only held by a very small group of users.meaning what are currently very basic requests are going to get delayed. In an ideal world, 99% of support should have Domain Privileges. Why? Because the worst thing you can do to a customer is spend 15 minutes solving an issue, only to tell them I have to forward you onto someone else because I don't have access to Works. That's just wrong. Telecommunications companies even share my point of view on this, so that's something. Maybe I'm just bitter because of how much effort it was moving over here and I'm not going to get any financial assistance if I have to move again.

The Wallet.
Now on to our main topic. I was given a wallet. Not only that, a MAN'S wallet. Leather, multiple spaces for cards. And a press stud clasp. This was serious.

Given to me as my current wallet has been with me for eight years and has been through a lot. It's dirty, the stitching is starting to tear, there's unspeakable marks. But it's been though multiple library cards, it went with me to Italy (Which feels like a lifetime ago in itself.) It held my copy of the first first Student Edge card ever (Back when it was cold "Student Oasis" and it was run purely by Willetton dropouts.) It's had drivers licences from different states, cards from four different banks. My "poetry" from my "emo" phase.  (Actually, just pure rip offs of Cameron Wolfe's Words from "When Dogs Cry" by Markus Zusak. I still can't believe Mr Zusak has only written six books. And three are in the "Underdog" series which is so awesome. And for a fourteen year old me, nothing said awesome like Octavia. There are also two perfect circle indentations in the back, after being told by my year 10 sex ed teacher "You never know, and you're a sweet kid." Of course this was expressly after a lesson where we were told that a wallet is a terrible poor place to keep prophylactics due to the heat makes them likely to expand and contract and more likely to break when they are eventually used. But it was still nice to be optimistic. But it was time to say goodbye. After all, to many times the velcro has annoyed me. So this was it. I was going to get rid of it. Trading up to something to try and match my age.

The wallet itself has nine places for card, including one "windowed" sleeve for a drivers licence. A pocket for the notes and a pouch for coins. And that's where issue one arose.

I like carrying change. The location of the coin purse is behind several card pockets. Seriously? Several coins, put pressure on the cards, widening the wallet, making it unable to be closed. The uneveness of the coins even made it hard to store card in the slots in the first place, meaning a whole section of the wallet was unusable. Resulting in the discovery, if I'd like to carry coin I'd have to do it in a separate purse, and I'm still too young and hetro to pull off a man purse. But, okay, I decided, if that's my only issue, then I'm sure I could learn to live with the change, so I began to move my cards over and I found issue two.

 I didn't have that many cards,  so I added my debit cards.

I got my first savings eftpos card. when I was about 14. As I had the same wallet as I did now, I didn't have room for any more cards in it. I got a little card protector free with it. Seeing at 14 I had all of $70 in my bank account. I kept it separate from my wallet, cause that was my $70. It was very logical at the type to keep my EFTPoS card away from my actual wallet.

And that's the way I've always done it, I currently have two Visa card which I keep in a different pocket. I find it nicer than having to break out my wallet all the time. Bad habit? I dunno, maybe? If I'm doing to protect from pick pockets, I know it's probably a bad idea, because 1. They'd probably find it anyway while grabbing my phone and 2. My drivers licence is still in my wallet. Still enough to open a bank account in my name and ruin my credit rating. But on that subject:

Thirdly, pants. Or more specifically pants pockets. Wallet. Front pocket. it makes sense to me, in trying to avoid the situation above, any person attempting to take something from a front pocket is right near a body part which is going to tell when someone else is touching it, no matter how briefly. Also, harder to get the wallet completely out. With my stuff in my front pockets, I feel it there, so it makes me feel secure about the stuff, and I'M NOT SITTING ON IT. It's amazing that the male posterior has not not evolved for an indentation in the left cheek, cause that's where I see guys my age now carrying their leather-bound, Amex-carrying wallets. Either, their jobs contain a lot of standing, or they have second wallet in their other pocket. It's not that it's particularly uncomfortable sitting with something in your back pocket, it just either causes you to pull your pants up higher, so the parts of your body in contact with your chair are flat, usually causing whatever is in your back pocket to slowly slide out as your body leans back naturally to centre the spine. Or you are constantly on a slight angle because the pressure of the object (especially an odd object such as car keys.) digs into you, and your slight angle makes everybody look at you, slightly tilted to see you eye to eye, making everybody look very silly. Luckily, this wallet did fit into the front pocket of all except one of my pairs of jeans, so I though I could even work around that.

But then, as I was taking my keys and carabiner chain off my old wallet. There was nowhere to put it. Like my EFTPoS card before it, if I'm going somewhere by public transport or using my legs, I don't take my car keys. For two reasons, 1. Because the only space for them is my back pocket, which causes the previously mentioned problems when sitting for a period of time on public transport. and 2. Because I have keys on my wallet. Now I do take my phone and wallet everywhere. I'd like a method of emergency contact and I'd like some identification.  But my car keys without my car, well, I'd take them if I needed a house key, but I don't, cause I have one on my wallet (Also attached is a piece of brass chain, which had a carabiner attached during my Italy trip, as an anti theft device. By attaching the carabiner to the nearest belt loop, I was less likely to take out my wallet and leave it someone without it banging to my thigh. The other interesting thing about this chain, is when it was given to me for this purpose, it was covered in dust and whatever else a piece of brass chain gets covered in for sitting in a shed for years. I did not polish it at all, but in the space of about 5 weeks, it came to a lovely shine, just do to it moving when I took my wallet out. Which I was told was going to happen, I was just surprised how well it happened, and it has remained shiny to this day.

So I guess, if I wanted to use this wallet I'd have to start taking my car keys everywhere. Okay, lets move my cash, business cards and aforementioned contraceptive devices. After all, if I was the type of guy to have a leather wallet, it means I could be mistaken for a business man, and I could get gold diggers after whatever treasures were laying in it (To wit I will provide them a couple of pre-lubricated rubber sheaths as the type of males they are trying to attract may be the type who expect the female to provide the sheaths. As I would actually probably have no money for the alcoholic beverages they request after purchasing a few overpriced, fruity cocktails and a line of shots for Stalkee #3 and myself (We're getting there. What you really think I would waste the probably ruined sheaths on myself? Heck no, that's what the other ten stored in a "Dark, dry cool environment" are for. P.S. I am bringing the word "sheath" back into everyday language.).)

On the day of "Wallet Change-over" in question, this was actually after a night out, so I found myself with a surplus of notes in my wallet. In my unfortunate state in Fortitude Valley the previous evening, I had paid for each separate expense that night with the largest note available in my wallet, as I had apparently forgotten math again. As a result, I had quite a number of lowest denomination notes, either looking like I'd struck well at the pokies or been overly critical at a Gentleman's club. I also found a selection of receipts and business cards occupying my notes section of my old wallet. To my dismay, not even the notes would store properly. I tried moving the business cards to the leftover spaces for cards, I tried reintroducing the 2 unused, back to the 10 unused. But still. The wallet just did not want to fold properly.

I threw it on the ground. I couldn't get chain in it, I would have to get it out each time I wanted to use a card, I couldn't secure it to my pants. I couldn't get it into my pants. I couldn't put keys on it and I couldn't put my other money in it. I began to wonder what people do actually use these wallets for. It can only hold cards, yet cannot be secured and either proves difficult in removing from a front pocket, or a pain to remove from the back. I'm not saying it didn't have its' upsides, the space for my drivers licence was a lot nicer to remove it from when I got carded. It matched my suit. It had a lot more space for cards, and I could remove them from the wallet with ease, and when full, it looked like a well used wallet, by someone who actually had money. It was leather, it looked expensive. It matched my suit. It was a lot nicer to pay with, I felt so awesome getting it out, it looked like it was owned by a recent adult, it was still, flat, shiny, looked like it was used, but well looked after. It matched my suit. But the end of the day, much like my suit. Impractical for my day to day. I don't lead a "suit" lifestyle. I don't like to pay for everything by card, it's not an Amex, it's not platinum, my personalised card still has the wall of cables image

So, after much deliberation. I went back. It was given to me as a gift. It was not a wasted expensive, it was nice I love it don't get me wrong. It just wasn't for me at this point in time. It was like someone gave me $300,000 sports car without an AUX jack. Cool, yes, but practical? No. Especially if they want me to insure it. So very carefully, I did what had to be done. I reboxed it, added a "Happy Birthday, Brother in Law" post it and put it aside ready for my next trip to Perth. He could regift it back after I was ready for it. Seriously, THERE ARE STILL CARS WITHOUT AUX JACKS.

My old wallet is falling apart, it's only got space for three cards, I still carry my Debit cards and Go Cards outside my wallet. I still have business cards for people who wouldn't know me if I called, but I would like to con a job out of if my current one falls though. I still carry coin. It's old. It smells odd (I think the packaging on the strawberry one got a hole in it.) but it's still what I need. I will still look around for a new wallet, I guess, but unfortunately to continue fitting my needs, it might just clash with my suit.

That girl
When I last spoke to you I was as giddy as a cat that has corned and caught the red dot on the floor that has been dancing around for the last 15 minutes.

Well, what's changed? Not much. Well, I've found that soppy "LOVE ME, DAMMIT, LOVE ME!!!!!!!1" sms's are a bit hit and miss. Just one of those messages, that it pops into your head and you think, I can't think of anything that would explain my feelings better. Then you send it and your all like "Crap, her facepalm is so loud I can hear it in another timezone."

But I have found something to do with my short-lived Places where she isn't section. You see, apparently there have been other relationships, and more importantly, relationships which have had similar experiences, feelings and emotions that I'm going through. So rather than just endlessly talk about her and the belegino she is, talk about where we're at, or the latest "I know I'm whipped when..." moments, I thought, what I'd just do is post a song with relevant lyrics. Well, just the song title, and any lyrics which I think stand out. Cause a lot of love songs are full of nonsense but have one or two key lines which redeem them. I call this "Current cheesy montage music of the month" The idea being that if all the moments of interaction with Stalkee #3 were cut together in a dodgey "Lachlan loves Stalkee #3" video clip with someone who has just learnt how to use transition, which music track would required to be audioswapped after a copyright claim.

CCMMOTM for June: Not actually Friday I'm in Love as I alluded to. More that just fit that week so perfectly. I'm leaning on the song "Open Happiness" - Cee-Lo For a song written to sell a beverage, it's catchy and makes you want to go zorbing - or at least, the Australian one is catchy. The original song recording has a lot slower pace, but indeed amongst the slow grove is one of those golden lines.

"Today I woke up feeling happiness overflowing knowing somebody loves me, just to think yesterday I was down and out, and now there's not a signle thing for me to frown about and the same thing could happen to you, smilin' so hard, my mouth is like a capital 'U' "

Despite the painfulness the image referred to, which would actually mean that you've torn several muscles in your face, the message is clear. Things change very quickly. From bad to good, and sometimes back again. There is also a line about The bridge between us is a rainbow but seeing that the electron flow through an optic fibre is normally does with invisible light, concentrated into a beam, it would be very unlikely that the connection would ever resemble a rainbow without severely damaging the signal.

Runner up: Whole Wide World - The Proclaimers Not the original, but if there is one duo who can sing about going a very long distance The Proclaimers really have it covered with I'm Gonna Be and I'm On My Way as well as this cover.

CCMMOTM July: "Walking on Sunshine" - Katrina and the Waves.

Replace mailbox with Inbox and you've really got something.

Runner Up: "This Girl" - Songs to Wear Pants To 

Let's face it, if you want a song that does away with the endless promises and speaks from the depths of a guy's heart, This Girl provides a no-holes-barred approach to romance. I can't just pick one particular line, because it is potentially the most honest love song I've ever heard, and every word speaks directly from the heart. It's kinda like "Just The Way You Are" but without the pretentiousness.

CCMMOTM August: Bruises - Chairlift 

"I tried to do handstands for you, I tried to do headstands for you but every time I fell, every time I fell for you"

It was only going to be song long before I'd post an indie song. I had the pleasure of seeing Chairlift live back when I was L-Fish for a weekend, they weren't bad, all that happened was I realised this was really their stand out song, all their stuff kind of sounds the same unfortunately.

Runner up: Do I Creep You Out? There's many ways to be a boyfriend, but usually it goes along a scale from Heartless Bastard to this guy - and sometimes you are just lucky enough to have someone realise all your misunderstood affection did have good intentions. Because sometimes, your mind is so wasted on hormones that grabbing the nearest kitchen knife just seems logical.

CCMMOTM September: Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to jump to this song so soon. I really had a good thought about, I tried to listen to reason and just pick something from Savage Garden, but right now, the song that most accurately sums up how I feel about Stalkee #3 and the most amazing person she is a song so powerful in message that most people will think I'm insane to break out this song this early in a relationship, but, never the less, this song fits the bill.

At your very basic level you get your mainstream love songs. These are the songs filled with impossible challenges, still being in love after breaking up and all other types of nonsense. Let's take "Grenade" as an example. "Grenade" is Bruno Mars whining that he's willing to do things he'll never have to do to please he's girl, but apparently the female won't make the same commitments.

In terms of "Love song challenges" notice how they're nearly all sung by males.. Why? Because that's how males can show affection - males are good with their words and grammar's, but what he can do, is still fulfil that primordial urge to prove he's the alpha male by beating up all the other males of the tribe. Well, guess what, girls don't love like that, the female showing of affection is normally in the form of words and actions of a more self-deprecating nature (Let's face it, you hardly wash down there and your still want her to touch it. You probably let all gunky stuff build up on them. And you probably don't trim your hair around that region either. SERIOUSLY GUYS. I myself could never see myself getting a girl to perform the action unless she absolutely wanted to, and I was absolutely 100% sure that she would enjoy it in some way. "OH!" I hear you whine "But she's expecting me to touch hers!" Well she keeps hers a lot cleaner thank you. So buck up guys and trim your own bloody toenails.).

Your next level up, you get your crooners - Love songs when physical relationships were hinted in paper thin innuendo, now days, we're past this, and physical relationships are more subtly or clevely alluded to in a song like this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this.

Getting towards the top end you get your indie songs, the songs that get your tiny band off the ground and into a beer commercial. Where you get your really sweet stuff that you learn on ukulele to make an video, where you get the stuff to pad out your mix tapes, and generally, choose "your song" so nobody else can sing along so you can be a proper hipster couple. Your Picture Frames, SleepyheadSpeak the Truth in Love, the stuff your band wrote when it was actually just the lead singer writing music for his partner but had a series of cords that were memorable or used an interesting instrument that were picked up by ad agencies or got a play at the right place and right time to be played over everything. Pretty much everyone will remember either the main line or the chorus, but you can tell of the people who actually own their complete album rather than just the single by those who actually know the bit where the backup singers just seem to mumble unintelligently.

Beyond that, you get your songs not composed by a band, rather, single songs written, usually by guys who are actually probably forever alone. Stuff which should really only be unleashed to your partner in very special circumstances.

And then... The song above everything. The song which says everything that needs be said, and most importantly... Nothing more.

Ladies and gentlemen. I present... For you.. The last great love song. The song whispered in the darkness up to a private balcony.   The song which bellows from the silence shared on a couch at 4 in the morning. Painstakingly etched into tree trunks that will outlast mankind. To the taken, to the singles, to the open relationships, to those falling in love for the first time, to those who have lost all hope, to those who have swore off a relationship completely:

She is Beautiful - Andrew W.K.

Apart from teaching the world how to party again, Andrew W.K. has finally found all the words that need to be said. Andrew W.K. once got a table to head bang. So when it came to a love song. Andrew W.K. knew better than wimpy piano and whistling, it's a song that you have to sing with gusto, whimpering this song is like trying to eat chicken one lick at a time. This a song that you bite into.

Sure, I could describe every choice of syllable in detail, but let's just aim for a couple of my personal favorites:

"The girl's too young, she don't need any better, it's all coming back I can feel it"

The magic of a partner is leaning that personality traits you have make someone interested in you. You're still just you, the same person you have generally been for your entire life and suddenly, you're special. Which is why I know a lot of people who have felt kind of strange at the concept of aspects of their personality attracting a person. "I'm just this random person, it's kind of weird that turns you on. Once someone has learnt to accept that indeed, they are a turn on, a more interesting thing happens. You realise that a lot of other people are similar to you, they have the exact same traits that got you snuggled up on the couch watching a bad movie. It's even worse when you discover that there's personality traits that this certain someone finds appealing that you don't have, but more scary, other people have. As suddenly the confidence in yourself has appeared, it vanishes, as you realise there could be someone better for this person.  But... You like where you are, everybody is a little bit selfish, she's currently happy knowing there is no one that she or he can like any better. But rather than jumping to conclusions and locking them in the basement so they can't meet anyone else, you instead choose to really make a big deal out of the stuff she likes. Yeah, better is out there, but better is not you, so you must appear better. Some people take this too far, either becoming a tool, or just freaking out and becoming over protective about the communication between their partner and others (I'm looking at you, entire female population.)

"You're giving me moves that hit from all sides, and when you're hitting like that you melt my eyes."

Guys are hard. And tough. And sometimes gross. And all sticky. Like bad milk.  But this is mentioning one thing that happens with guys when they find a nice girl. They get choked up. If they are talkative, they shut up. If they are quiet and to themselves, love can make them terrible brash and loud. However, one thing that's generally accepted amongst all guys is a requirement to be emotionless. Until of course, the right moves are made. Eyes used to staring in rage will soften, new words will enter the vocabulary (Such as the ability to finally express your concerns about a floral arrangement. Actually, maybe that's just me. Seriously, this bouquet was totally random, it had a bird of paradise in amongst roses and daffodils.) burps may be suppressed and you have this undesirable urge to leave the seat down while urinating.

"And though I never know you, I look at your face, tell you that I love you, don't know what to say, you're everything I got, you beautiful girl, the only thing I live for in this whole wide world."

Rather than just go for appearance - She Is Beautiful goes for something bold.  That guy's really have no idea about the girl they are going out with. Well, okay, they know them, but, they will never "know" them, they could guess how they could react under various circumstances, but you never truly know how someone thinks, feels.

Point two: I love you is said by a guy when there's nothing else to say. Some of us say it too soon, some of us say it too late. Either way, it's said at the exact wrong moment. Because nothing else feels right.

Some may thing "Only thing I live for in the whole wide world" is a bit of an exaggeration. To those people I say, well, if one day, when you wake up, roll over and look at someone would prefer to stay awake so you can look at the person, even if they are still sleeping, you aren't going to jump in front of your train to work that day are you? I'm sure there are other reasons you aren't going to jump in front of that train, but let's just say those other reasons disappeared, when you wake up in the morning, you are looking forward to a very long and crap day, you might get blamed for something you didn't do, you might have to submit something you know is rubbish, you might have to spend the entire day in intense pain, wouldn't being able to roll over and look at someone at least help?

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is She is not just any she. And that's how I've been feeling this month. A much simpler song will probably be used for October, some of the giddy has gone in order to try and get some of the more mundane stuff of the relationship out of the way. But every so often the messages arc to an opportunity to tell her about that photo of her, used as her friends profile picture is actually a really nice photo of her too. Although I'm not suggesting she change her profile pic either cause that's nice too. Wonder's if she realises JUST HOW BLUE her eye's are.

Seriously damn close.

You may have noticed 10 pages ago at the top of the page, I've decided to landmark the moment of inevitable failure with some stolen javascript. Of course, I've been a little flexible, because after she gets here, she'll be all jet lagged. Then she'll probably want to sort out her job and then there will be a weekend and she'll want to go out and spend a couple of days to recover, and then she have to wait until the Registrar's Court is open and submit the application for the restraining order. And in Australia, they've chickened out and just call them "Intervention" orders. 

Graffiti of the week:

On the back of the male toilet door at Mana Bar Melbourne. Yes. The attendees of the Melbourne one also know how to properly decorate a toilet. - The more astute among my readers will know this as a company spending way too much money promoting another "It's not Modern Warefare but kinda looks like Modern Warefare" FPS - However, this one at least had the decency to unite Korea

 Est. 1936
 Sometimes just doing small circles helps too
 In an awesome twist of fate, Game Traders WILL take you seriously.
 "AHHHH, dammit, usually I wake on a train."
 It makes it even more dangerous but damn enjoyable.
 Real men don't use player guides.
 Portal quotes are still this safe zone, when all else fails, put a Portal quote.

So yes, my lords, ladies, my fellow employees, that was July to October 2011. Hopefully there will not be as much of a delay... Hopefully. Come on! You wanna know how Stalkee #3 works out don't you? You want to know how my second job in as many months work out? Which timezone I end up in?

So until my account lockout kicks in, good bye.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.

I must admit, I hadn't been as enthusiastic as I'd hoped about looking for a new job.I'd applied for several positions a range of IT support, Systems admin, network admin roles. Even a SQL position. Something that I could really get into. But I hadn't heard anything in reply to any of my submissions, so I was just stuck, in the routine of getting up, adding a couple of jobs to an ever expanding window and lots of free time. I had a rough budget, but sticking to a budget is difficult when you have the choice of staying in and being depressed about no social contact, or going out and feeling depressed because you are compelled to spend money.

I was impressed how quickly my sleeping habits went wrong too. After about four days, I was back to my uni 3am to 11am time period.

Monday the 28th June felt like a normal day. I had been trying to do 2 job applications a day. I thought I could do more, but rewriting a cover letter takes a lot out of you. My latest search on Seek had brought up a number of jobs hosted by online recruitment agency. So, being lazy, I just sent my resume and cover letter to the website and decided that would do for the day. I had a sudden burst of energy and decided to make somewhat of an effort, I attempted to do some tidying of my lounge room I even cleaned up enough to vacuum the floor. But other than that, nothing exciting. Tuesday is when things got a little more interesting.

I got a phone call from someone from that recruitment agency with the exciting news, that there were two immediate start positions that she wanted to get me into. One was at a private boys school. Nostalgia, of course, hit me very quickly. I would be back to fantastic hours. Doing support by myself and getting to do some not too complicated stuff. Unassisted, unaccompanied joy. Then I heard about the other job. It was a contract at a mining firm. Phone support to begin with, but the possibility to move to more advanced work, including server management, SoE deployment and administrator roles. I was advised that it was a contract, based on whenever the company decided to outsource their low level support, which I was advised will not be for sometime, so the contract will be rolling until some plans are in place.

I guess it's me making a big deal of reading everything. But, it was like this weird choice, do I move on? Doing support towards what i want to eventually do and start getting experience now? Or do I spend a couple more years just bumming around doing my own thing? So I did what I always did when faced with a tough decision. Hired out a bunch of movies and ate ice cream. But of course, I was lucky and decision was made for me.

On Thursday evening, I got a phone call, the rep of the IT recruitment agency, saying that the mining company wanted an interview. In just over 12 hours. There would be your standard interview questions to be answered in standard STAR format, then a technical component. Oh and do you have any piercings, tattoos and what were you going to wear? Because she had never met me, she was concerned that I looked like I spoke or something. I could reassure her that I would be wearing a suit and apart from acne, my face does look approachable. I thanked her, ended the call, then realised I had a job interview, at a place I didn't know where, in a shirt that probably wouldn't be ironed, to impress a company I'd only heard about on Tuesday. After panicking a bit, a nice bowl of choc mint and proceeding to find that "Stranger than Fiction" is totally underrated - I realised that I actually had to get out of bed before lunch tomorrow, so should think about sleeping. I'd just about fallen asleep when I realised that I should probably check the time I needed to board a train and see if there were more shirts than the one in the in the back of my car under half a dozen Cold Rock containers. I found I needed to be at the station in roughly 8 hours and that there will a couple of shirts that were standing up by themselves so didn't need ironing. I then lay in my bed trying to remember anything I knew about computers.

Now, I have promised on the subject of fairness, that I do not discuss the questions of my interview, however I have not stated and will not state what company and recruitment agency I did this under, and will happily remove this post at the discretion of a representative of either party. But if you're looking for interview advice and found this blog, well, you're doing it wrong.

So at just before half past ten, after hoping that the Ferny Grove line did indeed run past South Brisbane station (In Brisbane, there are multiple trains that run "To the city" going South, 90% terminate at Roma Street, going North 90% terminate at Bowen Hills, I am near to Albion on the North side of the river, I need to get to South Brisbane one stop more South than Roma Street. You have no idea how hard they make it, I'm taking the bus more often.), I turned up for my 11am interview. After a thrilling 5 minute induction getting to learn what to do if an Anthrax scare occurs, I proceeded to take a seat and read through promotional materials. Pretend not too notice the man struggling with projector in the meeting room off the reception area. The interviewee appear, questioned my punctuality and told me to go get a coffee cause the meeting she was attending was likely to run over time. I decided juice would be better nothing to heavy, it was still very early by my internal clock and coffee is something I don't do in the morning, mornings are reserved for Red Bull. I sat for a good 20 minutes slowly watching people come and go, buying different drinks and elevenses, until I decided it should be a good time to head up, it was, as I arrived in the reception area for a second time, I got called in. This, was actually the calmest I think I've ever been before an interview, it was my first one in a long time, and although the prospects weren't looking good for many more, this I decided to take as an opportunity to get back into the groove on how to act during an interview, try to be honest. Try to be calm.

"Relax, we're very laid back here. Breathe out. Okay now, we haven't actually got your resume, in fact, we don't know anything past your first name and that you've had some background in IT. So, tell us about yourself and your background."

Okay, wow. I could tell them anything. I'm not sure what they want to hear. So I told them about Freo, about the Department, about uni. They were impressed

"And you're applying for a level one role?!" One of them admitted in disbelief. I have two smidges of IT experience on my resume and a degree.  When people want experience, 18 months rarely cuts the mustard. Nor would a knife really, in fact that best way to split mustard would be.. I've gone off topic, where was I, oh yes. It's one thing to say that you've had a computer in your room from a young age, and that you are comfy infront of anything with a processor and some RAM and an an input device. It anything to present that like it would be useful in a job. When I haven't compiled my own Linux distribution or built water cooling into my system, I always find my technical skills are actually pretty mundane. So when questioned about my intentions, I state the obvious.

"My dream is to do administration, whether systems, network or database, and for that you need a lot of experience in support roles." They agreed with that. Then began the the "Interview" interview stuff.

"Name a time when you dealt with a difficult customer." The brilliant thing about customers when dealing with IT support, is there is a small group who are very unique. Rather than simply deciding to appear inept, they decide to get annoyed at their ineptitude - Now a lot of IT people hate this group. I say no, I say at one point, they actually found out that this question is given at all interviews of IT support and they think "Look, I don' want any poor young IT person o go in here with no examples, so if I do things like, being resistant to learning a new process, thinking my job is more important than there, thinking that the uptime of my equipment is he highest priority, then they'll have content for this question! And more the point, they have to think in new ways to convince me otherwise, allowing them to better develop communication skills. It's a win-win!" So I applaud these people, who out of the graciousness of their hearts be inventive with barriers to hinder my work so that I can I can gain better analytical skills. They are totally not arrogant douche bags trying to make up for the fact that someone is giving them a hard time so they have to give someone else a hard time to feel important and rekindle some self esteem.

So I give my default answer with a time when some new security permissions denied a client's ability to use a piece of scanning software and had to learn a new piece and for three hours had to tell them it's this piece of software or nothing and fantasised that with a three year old, if you ignore the tantrum or give them a smack they generally get over themselves, but anyway.

"Explain a time you missed a dead line." This actually stuns me a bit, I know it's a standard interview question, and I could have given examples from earlier this year, something in the back of my mind makes me release a different story about problems with imaging machines a couple of years ago, I barely remember the story, but for some reason, I use it as an example because I know it actually has a happish ending.

Some other Situation-Task-Altitude-Result questions. Then comes the bit I've been partially dreading, slightly excited about.

"I'd like to turn it over to the team leader for the IT questions."

"How do I renew my IP address?"

"Erm.." My voice had disappeared, I wasn't really sure what I was expecting to be asked, but now I had to use my words to somehow create a coherent set of instructions for an action which had made up 2/3rds of my degree. Seriously, if you can renew an IP you know enough information for the first 6 chapters of the very first CCNA book (There's four CCNA books, but still.)

"Go to Start, then run type cmd, a black window should appear, in the window type 'ipconfig  (CRAP, is it a forward slash or a back slash... I wonder if she'd let me get away with just saying slash.) slash.release' a number of lines should scroll across the screen with a number of zeros, then type 'ipconfig slash revew' she smiles, nods in agreement and writes something down and reads out the next question.

"What's the difference between TCP and UDP?" This time, my mouth did decide to fall apart. "TCP packets um, every TCP.. segment, segment? Yes, segment has a reply packet attached, or rather, when it gets to it's destination an ACK packet is sent back."

"And in UDP?" "Oh sorry, in UDP there is no ACK packet, the host just keeps sending them. Low latency." (Oh god, why didn't I just define them, anyone who knows the initialism for UDP immediately gets high marks because it's such a stupid initialism.) I think they got the general gist. they knew I did know because they were willing to ask the follow up.

"Where would you see one opposed to the other?" You see UDP in VoIP communications because it needs to be as delay free as possible, and it's useless to get an older packet, cause then the words would be in the wrong order.

Okay, that last bit came out a bit of a mess, but I think I can recover.

"How do you tell the difference between a CAT5 and a CAT6 cable." Oh crap. I think back to a time when I had lots of network cables in a draw. There was a way to tell them apart? Really. Didn't I remember reading something there being different coloured wires inside the cables, or they cross over in different ways? Oh no, silence is too long, think about cat5 cable, think about a cat6 cable what is different... Gotta take a stab at something.. "Erm... The writing along the cable. There's some black text printed on it, part of it says what Cat cable it is." I look at them waiting for a reaction. I get one of great relief.

"YES!" one of them says "Sorry, it's a trick question, we've been doing this format of interview for a couple of years and no one has EVER got that right, you are the first person to get that right so well done."

I make a face that says "I thought that was common knowledge..." while my brain has a nerdgasm. You, my brain, are broken in all the right ways - you just bluffed your way out of a trick question by blind luck. You sir, are getting a milkshake and high five on the way home.

My confidence shot through the roof and I sware I could taste the dopamine in my mouth. There is nothing that could stop me.

"Give an example of a FQDN." You ever see one of those graphs of the value of stock market just before it crashes? Oh yeah. My mind came out blank, and with the Q in there nothing I could say could fix it. It vaguely stirs some memories of stuff I was doing with housemate, but I have no idea where it fits. I got lucky once, like a person who wins the lotto once never plays again (and normally wastes the winnings on poor investments.) I decided to be honest. "I have absolutely no idea. I could guess but it would be total BS." I admit, it sort of left my mouth before my brain had time to check over the wording of the sentence. I'm not sure whether it was of awkwardness or they found it generally funny. But I got a hearty laugh for a few seconds, and thought I deserved another chance.

"If I told you it stood for Fully Qualified Domain Name, would you know then?"

"Errr, no sorry." Again, flashes of research for housemate's network ran through my mind. "It's something like" The irony of this it was my mind trying to make stuff up again. When I'd first experienced FQDN's, I though, no that's silly, why should every device on the network be called by a fully qualified domain name? a FQDN sounds like some sort of special name for the the domain, not a device on the domain, so I ignored it. And here it was, haunting itself again ,the fact that it is a name for a device connected on a dome, created by combining the device name and the domain name to reveal it's place in terms of the domain hierarchy. Well, now it's burned into my brain.

"What are computers, users and groups listed as in AD?"

Wait what? This is one of those times they wanted a specialist phrase, and with no professional experience in AD, the word would never pop into my mind, and after almost swearing, and giving a half hearted answer, I decided to can it. "Do you mean a hierarchy?" "Not so much how they are stored, what are they stored as." "I'm sorry I don't know the phrase you're trying to get me to say.." "Objects." Admittedly, I would of never said that.

There's some more light discussion about my previous work and the Interview wraps up. Both of them are very cheerful as I go. I walk out into the world not knowing about success in the position, but knowing I have made an effort for an interview. I contact the IT recruitment agency to have a free coffee and discussion about the interview I'm on one side of the city, she's on the other, so it's a bit of a trek.  A bit of a trek which gives me time to think. Too much time.

Wait, I didn't really walk about how long I've been working with computers. About how I've been the go to guy for some time among family. The fact that I have had some AD experience with housemate, and again, in the Department, I didn't really highlight that I have had some Linux training, SQL work, network design, CCNP experience. I touched on a few things, but nothing very serious. Nothing about the fact I understand VPN's, ACL's and TLA's. And what about my technical questions? Maybe it's a good thing I didn't highlight any experience with AD, because it didn't come across. And I almost swore, sure they said relax, but I crossed a line, I admitted lack of knowledge. You... just don't do that.

By the time I arrive at the recruitment agency, I'm a bit of a wreck. The confidence is gone, my hunger is gone, my want to exceed has disappeared. I am ready to slink back into the hovel I call my rental property and disappear in a mess of chocolate wrappers and macaroni cheese.

It's an agonising wait, I call her to tell her I've arrived, she just needs to make a couple of phone calls, then the first grilling begins. I can't just post that I screwed up an interview on Facebook, I can tell each family member has plans to call me tonight to go over everything and start offering advice that I should smarten up a bit and take things a bit more seriously. After about ten minutes of waiting in a boring lobby, she walks with me and shouts me an iced coffee. I don't feel like it, it's just going to make me feel gross.

And then she says it "So, how do you think you went?"

I try to keep a flame of optimism alive "Okay I think, there were a couple of moments when I had to take some time to think through answers, and a couple of times I had trouble structuring what I was trying to say, but I think everything went okay."

"What about the technical questions?"

"I could answer or give explanations for most of them.. So I think okay."

some silence.

"You're quiet, did something go wrong?"

"I don't think anything went major wrong, unfortunately I've got to that point when I'm trying to remember just what I said."

Small laugh.

"Do you have any feedback or comments?"

"No, they were both very nice and friendly and I did eventually relax."

"That's good to hear. Anyway, I've just gotten off the phone with them and they'd like you to start Monday, if that's possible."


"Monday, are you okay to start then?"

"Erm, pfff erg, erm... Z'Okay."

"Yes they were very impressed with you, especially your handling of the technical questions. So next question how much would you like to be paid?"

There's some money discussion which I won't bore you with here.

"Okay, now as I said before it is on contract, so the initial contract period goes to October, but it's all reliant on a HP deal going through, which isn't very likely, there's another meeting about it next week. Until that gets signed off, it's just rolling. The absolute earliest you'll finish is early next year. Okay, so, how are you feeling now?"

"Still a bit shocked actually."

"Okay well, again, congratulations, and I'll leave you to the rest of your day."

"Thank you... Very much, for everything."

"That's okay my pleasure, and I'll hopefully see you on Monday around 9 o'clock."


I briskly leave the cafe and quickly find a park bench to sit on to take everything in. On Monday, I didn't know what I was going to do, now on Friday, it's only just past lunch and I have a job. Hmmm... Lunch. I am starving. But before I consider where I'm going to go for my celebratory dish, I think back on what I just did. I convinced a recruiter with a quick resume and a cover letter which took me less than an hour that I was technically experienced. She lined up an interview, and with two people who had never heard of me before, I managed to make them believe I had confidence, charisma and technical knowledge. So that is how you get a job,

Like. A. Fucking. Boss.

She congratulates me one last time, wishes me well, then points me on my way. I down the rest of the ice coffee, throw the carton in the recycle (Cause I'm awesome like that.) and start to swagger, after all, I'm employed and I'm wearing a suit. I can do anything.

So how is it? I'm halfway through my second week, and it's GOOD. It's the exact support I can get my teeth into, problem solving always generates job satisfaction for me. Although many processes and ways of doing things are new, it's still a very rewarding experience, and I'm doing my best to pick things as quickly as possible, I want to show that I am an asset, so when my contract comes up for expiry they'll quietly move me into a permanent position - hopefully as a server goblin.

Positions sadly unavailable:  IT Support Officer ( Level 1 &2) - Immediate Start!! 

Actually, this is kind of a lie, they are still short staffed...

Places where she isn't: Wow, okay. I'm really not sure what to do with this section for the time being. Because yes, Stalkee #3 and me are still in... Whatever this is. Whatever it is when two people set aside an hour or more each day to keep each other amused.

Graffiti or the week:

"Yes, yes, I do."

Warning, tree occurring in road.

Until I get banned from the network, for accessing something I shouldn't, probably, goodbye.