This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.
Any insults, defamatory remarks and anything else which you deem as "offensive" is not meant, is said because the writer wants to appear more arrogant and more self confident than he actually is. He's really a timid sheep that you should probably beat the crap out of. That does not mean he'll stop doing it, he's also a bit of an idiot and doesn't learn quick.
Anyway!
The week of the 30th of May, to the 3rd of June 2011 will be one that will be forever etched onto my memory not only was it the most insane week I've had in AGES, it was the week I made three changes which will affect my the rest of my life. Probably. Not content with simply making one life altering decision. I made THREE. Okay for some people this is probably not a big deal, and the decisions may appear very minor, but the fact is they will continue to slightly impact my life forever. So let's begin at Monday.
Now actually, before I begin. I want to actually expand on the fact that people who have started reading my blog have found it way too open and presents me as overly self-confident and arrogant. I will try to tone this down, it's not that I don't care, and I try not to go out of my way to be offensive, I just, like appearing as "this" to an online audience. I'm very sorry to anyone who doesn't like this. But it feels so good, to not just get this out of my system. But to actually have people read it, and in cases. Respond, react. I'm a shy person, this is a mask of someone I'd like to be more like and this is a way for others to see who I want to be, to see what's really going on inside my head. I feel fantastic knowing this is read by a small group of friends and others who want to know what's going on with me. Who can see a more honest vision of me, that you really only otherwise see when you get to know me, or in times of great anxiety.
I'm really not sure how I'd like to be, prefer to be need to be, I think a little more confident, willing to say those stupid things (One of the more recent times I did, I got threatened to be punched. It was along the lines of being disappointed at the number of dudes at the bar, but that doesn't mean the orgy still couldn't take place. Someone there obviously was as bad as picking up sarcasm as I was, or just didn't want to see another guy's genitals that night, thought that the quickest way for me to retract my comment would be to make me unable to speak. He was drunk I was a little bit tipsy, it was a disaster anyway. There was no one to talk to. Forget about it, it was silly, but I thought it could have started a discussion.)
Monday, you can fall apart.
I thought it was going to be a normal week. I thought that this meeting would just be a pretty ordinary meeting, talk about progress, look at some of my mapping. But, I got told that my progress, approach to my work and my communication skills were less than they were required to be.
Those of you who have read this blog, know that I have been unhappy with my job. And unfortunately, that hasn't been the boost I've needed to start enjoying it and really pushing myself to do well. Instead it has caused poor performance and me to go down a slippery slope into performing even worse and eventually this conversation. Then I got a bit of an ultimatum, start to perform or leave. Actually it was put much more eloquently than that, my boss and fellow co-workers were going out of their way to help me on either path I chose, and wanted me to give me the support I needed on whichever path I chose.
To be honest, it was always in the back of my mind. A tiny little voice saying "Why aren't you allowing yourself to be happy, face it, you can't do this job, you don't have the motivation to, why are you continuing to bother these people?" Why? Because I'd moved across the country. Because I'd caused I great inconvenience to a whole load of people around me. And I didn't want to disappoint them. Because I like to deny myself happiness. Why? Because happiness to me, currently, is doing as little as possible, no goals, no objectives, just, sitting. And that's currently not very mature and, every time I have indulged in it, not very satisfying. Which is where it gets complicated, I'm happy, but unfulfilled. I always thought they were one in the same but not.
I start thinking through everything. If I leave, I will be on the other side of the country to everyone I really know, I'll be in a city I don't really know. I could move back, but there are things I'd like to avoid back there. And there is more opportunity here. So I guess if I go through with this my choice would be, stay here and find another job.
I had actually made my choice then. I was going to leave, going to find another job somewhere else, some job that I could really get into, no matter how out of reach the requirements, I believed I could do anything and really push myself and enjoy myself in another position more closely aligned with what I wanted to be when I "grew up"
Full of moral support from those at work I went home full of self-confidence, ready to sort my life out. I will probably look back on "sorting my life out" at that particular moment with a great sense of enjoyment, because at that moment, sorting my life out boiled down to two things, one, doing the dishes from breakfast that morning, and two, sending an email that I had been holding of from doing.
For me, confessing my feelings to a member of opposite sex to begin a relationship had always boiled down to three elements:
1. Undo-able - As I believe would be the best option, I have always believed you should ask out people you've known for ages and have fallen for purely because you can tolerate them far beyond the fleeting moments you really spend with them. The problem being, if the future is not mutual, well, you sort of wish things could be back the way you are. So in those times when you screw up a friendship, you hope not to screw it up too bad. But, it you're good, normally you can only do a little bit of damage. When it fails, you want to know you can still talk to them.
2. Kill the "Right now" voice. The one thing I've never liked anyone to believe is the fact that I'm going after them for the rest of my life. I understand that if they don't like it, it would be very rare for anything to happen, so I like to flat out tell them. I may think of them that way, but don't interpret anything I'm doing as trying to win you back.
3. Still willing to go for the friends with benefits, cause hey, you never know.
While preparing for the worst is probably a very negative approach, I have been rejected a lot, so I just go with it, it hurts, but its one thing I'd really like to get right in my life, I'm willing to go through thousands of rejections if I get a yes that is worth it. So on Monday, I decided to ruin a relationship which I had believe gotten way too enjoyable to keep
I do admit, I had sent her a message a couple of weeks prior, and the lack of response meant that I would follow up with one shortly. I had never planned it to be a confession of the feelings which had developed, but I now had the opportunity to find out if there was something more there.
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Well, what can I say, this went exactly as expected.
Oh yes. Sorry, sort of important point. This girl is from another country. I've never met her before. I've just talked with her a lot. She will be in Australia for a holiday next year, but... Opportunity presented itself, so, I went with it. I couldn't help myself. My only knowledge that this will not end like Catfish being the fact that I've talked to her on Skype. NO. Not telling you how Catfish ends. Ever talked to someone for a short time and felt you've known them for your whole life? No? Nor have I, but, she's... I can talk to her. Easily. About anything. Previous potential suitresses I have normally felt nervous breeching most topics, in this case, it's damn easy. Still have kerbed some of my more perverted thoughts, but any meme is discussable. And that's just huge. But anyway. I tried and it ended, so, yeah. Luckily, being the awesome female specimen that she is, she just said, "Can we just pretend this never happen, I still like to talk to you about stuff. And I'm still meeting you next year." Rejections still do hurt, but I know the pain goes away, another girl will come along. Things will work out. I'm still young. Meanwhile at work I had made my decision in my head, but was yet to vocalise it. So it was normal, but led to multiple discussions around my desk about where I wanted to be.
Like always, System Administration.
What amazed me is how many times I got reminded I was young. I had always believed 21 was this age where you weren't really allowed to make mistakes any more. I have since been informed you ARE allowed to make mistakes, you just have to LEARN from them. I'm doing my best to learn off this, but it's still hard to pick up the real lesson. "Being negative will result in your eventual downfall?" What ever it may be, I was told that if I think I can be happier somewhere else only I can make that choice, and more importantly, I've got to not care what anyone else thinks. I keep getting mixed messages, but the lesson that I have picked up? Adulthood is still all about faking that you know exactly what you are doing and appearing to do everything on purpose. So yes, I moved to Queensland for the better job selection, I believed the best way to do this was to have a group fund me doing this, of course I firmly believed I could fulfil the job requirements, unfortunately despite my best attempts, I found I was not ready for the more business orientated workplace environment.
Thursday doesn't even start...
Which is why on Thursday I got really annoyed with myself. That was the day I was actually suggested to make a decision. And when the time came. There was a pause, and then my head freaked out.
I still tried to convince my boss I could do better. As I was saying it, my head was going "What the heck is coming out of my mouth?!" Then I realised that there's still a large portion of my head that wants to be safe. Wants a daily nine to five, a steady pay check. It's the last strain of logic battered into me after seeing several people I know live like teenagers the rest of their lives. Sure enjoyable, but looked down upon, and although I don't like doing things to please others, it makes things easier in the long run. You can call favours with people who like you, and get invited to dinner parties and be more of a good guy. Now, this is probably the more mature me who I will get to know very well over the next few years. But, I like the me who takes risks, because I don't often have the guts to take a risk, sure I got a "No" on Wednesday, but at least it's out, we can return to awkward conversation, and it doesn't blurt out when we go out drinking, where she might say yes then REALLY regret it the next day. It sucks to get turned down, but the reward is so much greater. Sure I think about leaving here, yeah, I'd be unemployed for a while, things would be awkward a little bit. But the reward would be getting into a job, let's face it, that I'd be more qualified it, despite a possible cut in pay.
Luckily, my boss picked up my momentary grasp of logic and allowed me to revise my statement. So. The decision was made. I'm leaving. Was allowed to leave for the rest of that day, so took some time out to just kick back. Think about my next decision, so I'm unemployed, I do some quick job searches and quickly make my next big decision.
I'm staying in Queensland.
The job selection is much greater. Although I still don't have many ties here, again, it's that little adventurous voice in my head. I possibly want to move again in my life, to unfamiliar places, so should get used to being in this awkward position. So, leaving job. Staying in Queensland. Surely, this week can't get any more weird
Friday I'm...
Of course it can. Like my expenditures, life for me, happens all at once. Work was getting odd, mainly starting to do things to wrap things up, I hadn't yet had a leave date so I wasn't sure when I'd be gone. But when I checked Facebook during a morning break I made a horrifying discovery.
Okay, so she also said to wait a day, she might regret saying it. She may have only said it so she could get some sleep that night.
Saturday... Wait...
She didn't.
So now it's 17 days later.
I'm unemployed.
I'm in Brisbane.
I have a girlfriend who I get to have awkward phone calls with for at least six months before I get to be awkward to her in person.
I hope I haven't really hurt anyone with these decisions. But I'd like to tell those people, I am happy. I'm sorry I put my happiness first about something, but, seriously.
You're apologising for being happy?
This year didn't go the way it was supposed to, that's all. And my idea of happiness doesn't match a lot of other peoples' ideas of happiness. I don't know, I just feel someway guilty for enjoying myself.
You're not hurting anyone in the process are you?
Disappointing, maybe. Some words of advice I got told earlier this year were along the lines of putting aside happiness now, because you have to suffer now to be happy later, if you are reckless now, you'll pay for it later. People are just concerned for me now. Sure I might be singing "The Car Song" when they'd prefer me to be singing "Shop Vac"
So, what you are saying is, you are scared if you don't prioritise your own happiness now, you are scared that you'll never prioritise it, leaving you permanently unhappy, but tolerating it in the belief that you will be happy later. But, in the long run never actually finding happiness because you never put aside time for it?
Erm.... Okay. Actually I just think everybody should watch that sweet typography video. Seriously, so close to justifying getting After Effects to do stuff like that. Oh and something about not gunning down a shopping centre and myself in 20 years.
Weren't you telling me that this female wanted to settle down eventually?
Yes, but then it will be tolerable.
Why?
Because, I could be settling down with her. As I said before, currently, I can make her smile.
Wooh! You've been going out like less than two weeks..
-.- I SAID, I haven't met her yet, I have no idea if I can get her to smile like that. And more importantly, making her smile "like that" is pretty low on my list of priorities. I'm more interested in coming up with in jokes and continuing to make her feel good about herself. I mean, I could worship the ground she walks on, but apparently that just gets annoying, I just want to make sure she can continue tolerating me in return for killing some time with her.
So, you jumped on board with her because she's the first girl who looked at you and didn't throw up?
No!
If I recall correctly you have spent the last four years convincing me that you are the ultimate boyfriend, you doing a good job?
... I'm shitting myself. I'm trying my best.
Just be careful, I'm sure you are great if you continue to be yourself.
So, no sending her a picture of my junk?
Good luck with that... Well, can we at least get an introduction.
Okay.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
We'll sort this out later. So again, that was my week. Now I get to sort out new job applications and date nights\afternoons in multiple time zones.
The only thing really troubling me is the fact I speak in Times New Roman. Although can someone from the eighties explain to me what is so attractive about a woman having a midnight snack?
Graffiti of the week:
Jobs sadly available:
Diagram designer at unspecified work place. Good rates. No computer networking experience required.
Again, that's in jest.
Places where she is. Sixteen thousand, one hundred and forty kilometres, if anyone wanted a distance count. Approx. As the bird flies. Sixteen thousand, one hundred and forty two if I go to the city.
Which reminds me "As the bird flies" is a really bad idiom, birds don't fly in dead straight lines, and they take naps. Except for the Albatross, who can fly while asleep. Seriously, that's SO AWESOME.
"I'm... so tired... can't stay.. awake....
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Holy crap I'm in Greenland!"
Until I get banned from the network, or find a new job, Good bye!
"Blob" design copyright Cindy Flowers
Thursday doesn't even start...
Which is why on Thursday I got really annoyed with myself. That was the day I was actually suggested to make a decision. And when the time came. There was a pause, and then my head freaked out.
I still tried to convince my boss I could do better. As I was saying it, my head was going "What the heck is coming out of my mouth?!" Then I realised that there's still a large portion of my head that wants to be safe. Wants a daily nine to five, a steady pay check. It's the last strain of logic battered into me after seeing several people I know live like teenagers the rest of their lives. Sure enjoyable, but looked down upon, and although I don't like doing things to please others, it makes things easier in the long run. You can call favours with people who like you, and get invited to dinner parties and be more of a good guy. Now, this is probably the more mature me who I will get to know very well over the next few years. But, I like the me who takes risks, because I don't often have the guts to take a risk, sure I got a "No" on Wednesday, but at least it's out, we can return to awkward conversation, and it doesn't blurt out when we go out drinking, where she might say yes then REALLY regret it the next day. It sucks to get turned down, but the reward is so much greater. Sure I think about leaving here, yeah, I'd be unemployed for a while, things would be awkward a little bit. But the reward would be getting into a job, let's face it, that I'd be more qualified it, despite a possible cut in pay.
Luckily, my boss picked up my momentary grasp of logic and allowed me to revise my statement. So. The decision was made. I'm leaving. Was allowed to leave for the rest of that day, so took some time out to just kick back. Think about my next decision, so I'm unemployed, I do some quick job searches and quickly make my next big decision.
I'm staying in Queensland.
The job selection is much greater. Although I still don't have many ties here, again, it's that little adventurous voice in my head. I possibly want to move again in my life, to unfamiliar places, so should get used to being in this awkward position. So, leaving job. Staying in Queensland. Surely, this week can't get any more weird
Friday I'm...
Of course it can. Like my expenditures, life for me, happens all at once. Work was getting odd, mainly starting to do things to wrap things up, I hadn't yet had a leave date so I wasn't sure when I'd be gone. But when I checked Facebook during a morning break I made a horrifying discovery.
Okay, so she also said to wait a day, she might regret saying it. She may have only said it so she could get some sleep that night.
Saturday... Wait...
She didn't.
So now it's 17 days later.
I'm unemployed.
I'm in Brisbane.
I have a girlfriend who I get to have awkward phone calls with for at least six months before I get to be awkward to her in person.
I hope I haven't really hurt anyone with these decisions. But I'd like to tell those people, I am happy. I'm sorry I put my happiness first about something, but, seriously.
You're apologising for being happy?
This year didn't go the way it was supposed to, that's all. And my idea of happiness doesn't match a lot of other peoples' ideas of happiness. I don't know, I just feel someway guilty for enjoying myself.
You're not hurting anyone in the process are you?
Disappointing, maybe. Some words of advice I got told earlier this year were along the lines of putting aside happiness now, because you have to suffer now to be happy later, if you are reckless now, you'll pay for it later. People are just concerned for me now. Sure I might be singing "The Car Song" when they'd prefer me to be singing "Shop Vac"
So, what you are saying is, you are scared if you don't prioritise your own happiness now, you are scared that you'll never prioritise it, leaving you permanently unhappy, but tolerating it in the belief that you will be happy later. But, in the long run never actually finding happiness because you never put aside time for it?
Erm.... Okay. Actually I just think everybody should watch that sweet typography video. Seriously, so close to justifying getting After Effects to do stuff like that. Oh and something about not gunning down a shopping centre and myself in 20 years.
Weren't you telling me that this female wanted to settle down eventually?
Yes, but then it will be tolerable.
Why?
Because, I could be settling down with her. As I said before, currently, I can make her smile.
Wooh! You've been going out like less than two weeks..
-.- I SAID, I haven't met her yet, I have no idea if I can get her to smile like that. And more importantly, making her smile "like that" is pretty low on my list of priorities. I'm more interested in coming up with in jokes and continuing to make her feel good about herself. I mean, I could worship the ground she walks on, but apparently that just gets annoying, I just want to make sure she can continue tolerating me in return for killing some time with her.
So, you jumped on board with her because she's the first girl who looked at you and didn't throw up?
No!
If I recall correctly you have spent the last four years convincing me that you are the ultimate boyfriend, you doing a good job?
... I'm shitting myself. I'm trying my best.
Just be careful, I'm sure you are great if you continue to be yourself.
So, no sending her a picture of my junk?
Good luck with that... Well, can we at least get an introduction.
Okay.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Miss Stalkee #3's knee!
Could you have chosen a worse photo of me?
Probably not. But that's because there is no bad photo of you.
Aww how sweet, I think I'm getting a cavity.
Hey, why does she get the same font as me? It's because she's tangible, isn't it!
We'll sort this out later. So again, that was my week. Now I get to sort out new job applications and date nights\afternoons in multiple time zones.
The only thing really troubling me is the fact I speak in Times New Roman. Although can someone from the eighties explain to me what is so attractive about a woman having a midnight snack?
Graffiti of the week:
"John Roberts is famous to 1,539 people
"Only one is his mum. The rest are friends of his mum"
"Please DRIVE HOME SAFELY TO YOUR FAMILY" Technically a sign, but damn random.
"Sitting in this area PROHIBITED" Again, a sign, this time unreadable, but right in front of train tracks. Luckily you can stand there and take a picture of the sign if you want.
Jobs sadly available:
Diagram designer at unspecified work place. Good rates. No computer networking experience required.
Again, that's in jest.
Places where she is. Sixteen thousand, one hundred and forty kilometres, if anyone wanted a distance count. Approx. As the bird flies. Sixteen thousand, one hundred and forty two if I go to the city.
Which reminds me "As the bird flies" is a really bad idiom, birds don't fly in dead straight lines, and they take naps. Except for the Albatross, who can fly while asleep. Seriously, that's SO AWESOME.
"I'm... so tired... can't stay.. awake....
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Holy crap I'm in Greenland!"
Until I get banned from the network, or find a new job, Good bye!
"Blob" design copyright Cindy Flowers
