What a difference a week makes...

This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.

Any insults, defamatory remarks and anything else which you deem as "offensive" is not meant, is said because the writer wants to appear more arrogant and more self confident than he actually is. He's really a timid sheep that you should probably beat the crap out of. That does not mean he'll stop doing it, he's also a bit of an idiot and doesn't learn quick.

Anyway!

The week of the 30th of May, to the 3rd of June 2011 will be one that will be forever etched onto my memory not only was it the most insane week I've had in AGES, it was the week I made three changes which will affect my the rest of my life. Probably. Not content with simply making one life altering decision. I made THREE. Okay for some people this is probably not a big deal, and the decisions may appear very minor, but the fact is they will continue to slightly impact my life forever. So let's begin at Monday.

Now actually, before I begin. I want to actually expand on the fact that people who have started reading my blog have found it way too open and presents me as overly self-confident and arrogant. I will try to tone this down, it's not that I don't care, and I try not to go out of my way to be offensive, I just, like appearing as "this" to an online audience. I'm very sorry to anyone who doesn't like this. But it feels so good, to not just get this out of my system. But to actually have people read it, and in cases. Respond, react. I'm a shy person, this is a mask of someone I'd like to be more like and this is a way for others to see who I want to be, to see what's really going on inside my head. I feel fantastic knowing this is read by a small group of friends and others who want to know what's going on with me. Who can see a more honest vision of me, that you really only otherwise see when you get to know me, or in times of great anxiety.

I'm really not sure how I'd like to be, prefer to be need to be, I think a little more confident, willing to say those stupid things (One of the more recent times I did, I got threatened to be punched. It was along the lines of being disappointed at the number of dudes at the bar, but that doesn't mean the orgy still couldn't take place. Someone there obviously was as bad as picking up sarcasm as I was, or just didn't want to see another guy's genitals that night, thought that the quickest way for me to retract my comment would be to make me unable to speak. He was drunk I was a little bit tipsy, it was a disaster anyway. There was no one to talk to. Forget about it, it was silly, but I thought it could have started a discussion.)

Monday, you can fall apart.

I thought it was going to be a normal week. I thought that this meeting would just be a pretty ordinary meeting, talk about progress, look at some of my mapping. But, I got told that my progress, approach to my work and my communication skills were less than they were required to be.

Those of you who have read this blog, know that I have been unhappy with my job. And unfortunately, that hasn't been the boost I've needed to start enjoying it and really pushing myself to do well. Instead it has caused poor performance and me to go down a slippery slope into performing even worse and eventually this conversation. Then I got a bit of an ultimatum, start to perform or leave. Actually it was put much more eloquently than that, my boss and fellow co-workers were going out of their way to help me on either path I chose, and wanted me to give me the support I needed on whichever path I chose.

To be honest, it was always in the back of my mind. A tiny little voice saying "Why aren't you allowing yourself to be happy, face it, you can't do this job, you don't have the motivation to, why are you continuing to bother these people?" Why? Because I'd moved across the country. Because I'd caused I great inconvenience to a whole load of people around me. And I didn't want to disappoint them. Because I like to deny myself happiness. Why? Because happiness to me, currently, is doing as little as possible, no goals, no objectives, just, sitting. And that's currently not very mature and, every time I have indulged in it, not very satisfying. Which is where it gets complicated, I'm happy, but unfulfilled. I always thought they were one in the same but not.

I start thinking through everything. If I leave, I will be on the other side of the country to everyone I really know, I'll be in a city I don't really know. I could move back, but there are things I'd like to avoid back there. And there is more opportunity here. So I guess if I go through with this my choice would be, stay here and find another job.

I had actually made my choice then. I was going to leave, going to find another job somewhere else, some job that I could really get into, no matter how out of reach the requirements, I believed I could do anything and really push myself and enjoy myself in another position more closely aligned with what I wanted to be when I "grew up"

Full of moral support from those at work I went home full of self-confidence, ready to sort my life out. I will probably look back on "sorting my life out" at that particular moment with a great sense of enjoyment, because at that moment, sorting my life out boiled down to two things, one, doing the dishes from breakfast that morning, and two, sending an email that I had been holding of from doing.

For me, confessing my feelings to a member of opposite sex to begin a relationship had always boiled down to three elements:

1. Undo-able - As I believe would be the best option, I have always believed you should ask out people you've known for ages and have fallen for purely because you can tolerate them far beyond the fleeting moments you really spend with them. The problem being, if the future is not mutual, well, you sort of wish things could be back the way you are. So in those times when you screw up a friendship, you hope not to screw it up too bad. But, it you're good, normally you can only do a little bit of damage. When it fails, you want to know you can still talk to them.

2. Kill the "Right now" voice. The one thing I've never liked anyone to believe is the fact that I'm going after them for the rest of my life. I understand that if they don't like it, it would be very rare for anything to happen, so I like to flat out tell them. I may think of them that way, but don't interpret anything I'm doing as trying to win you back.

3. Still willing to go for the friends with benefits, cause hey, you never know.

While preparing for the worst is probably a very negative approach, I have been rejected a lot, so I just go with it, it hurts, but its one thing I'd really like to get right in my life, I'm willing to go through thousands of rejections if I get a yes that is worth it. So on Monday, I decided to ruin a relationship which I had believe gotten way too enjoyable to keep

I do admit, I had sent her a message a couple of weeks prior, and the lack of response meant that I would follow up with one shortly. I had never planned it to be a confession of the feelings which had developed, but I now had the opportunity to find out if there was something more there.

Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart

Well, what can I say, this went exactly as expected.

Oh yes. Sorry, sort of important point. This girl is from another country. I've never met her before. I've just talked with her a lot. She will be in Australia for a holiday next year, but... Opportunity presented itself, so, I went with it. I couldn't help myself.  My only knowledge that this will not end like Catfish being the fact that I've talked to her on Skype. NO. Not telling you how Catfish ends. Ever talked to someone for a short time and felt you've known them for your whole life? No? Nor have I, but, she's... I can talk to her. Easily. About anything. Previous potential suitresses I have normally felt nervous breeching most topics, in this case, it's damn easy. Still have kerbed some of my more perverted thoughts, but any meme is discussable. And that's just huge. But anyway. I tried and it ended, so, yeah. Luckily, being the awesome female specimen that she is, she just said, "Can we just pretend this never happen, I still like to talk to you about stuff. And I'm still meeting you next year." Rejections still do hurt, but I know the pain goes away, another girl will come along. Things will work out. I'm still young. Meanwhile at work I had made my decision in my head, but was yet to vocalise it. So it was normal, but led to multiple discussions around my desk about where I wanted to be.

Like always, System Administration.

What amazed me is how many times I got reminded I was young. I had always believed 21 was this age where you weren't really allowed to make mistakes any more. I have since been informed you ARE allowed to make mistakes, you just have to LEARN from them. I'm doing my best to learn off this, but it's still hard to pick up the real lesson. "Being negative will result in your eventual downfall?" What ever it may be, I was told that if I think I can be happier somewhere else only I can make that choice, and more importantly, I've got to not care what anyone else thinks. I keep getting mixed messages, but the lesson that I have picked up? Adulthood is still all about faking that you know exactly what you are doing and appearing to do everything on purpose. So yes, I moved to Queensland for the better job selection, I believed the best way to do this was to have a group fund me doing this, of course I firmly believed I could fulfil the job requirements, unfortunately despite my best attempts, I found I was not ready for the more business orientated workplace environment.

Thursday doesn't even start...


Which is why on Thursday I got really annoyed with myself. That was the day I was actually suggested to make a decision. And when the time came. There was a pause, and then my head freaked out.

I still tried to convince my boss I could do better. As I was saying it, my head was going "What the heck is coming out of my mouth?!" Then I realised that there's still a large portion of my head that wants to be safe. Wants a daily nine to five, a steady pay check. It's the last strain of logic battered into me after seeing several people I know live like teenagers the rest of their lives. Sure enjoyable, but looked down upon, and although I don't like doing things to please others, it makes things easier in the long run. You can call favours with people who like you, and get invited to dinner parties and be more of a good guy. Now, this is probably the more mature me who I will get to know very well over the next few years. But, I like the me who takes risks, because I don't often have the guts to take a risk, sure I got a "No" on Wednesday, but at least it's out, we can return to awkward conversation, and it doesn't blurt out when we go out drinking, where she might say yes then REALLY regret it the next day. It sucks to get turned down, but the reward is so much greater. Sure I think about leaving here, yeah, I'd be unemployed for a while, things would be awkward a little bit. But the reward would be getting into a job, let's face it, that I'd be more qualified it, despite a possible cut in pay.

Luckily, my boss picked up my momentary grasp of logic and allowed me to revise my statement. So. The decision was made. I'm leaving. Was allowed to leave for the rest of that day, so took some time out to just kick back. Think about my next decision, so I'm unemployed, I do some quick job searches and quickly make my next big decision.

I'm staying in Queensland.

The job selection is much greater. Although I still don't have many ties here, again, it's that little adventurous voice in my head. I possibly want to move again in my life, to unfamiliar places, so should get used to being in this awkward position. So, leaving job. Staying in Queensland. Surely, this week can't get any more weird


Friday I'm...


Of course it can. Like my expenditures, life for me, happens all at once. Work was getting odd, mainly starting to do things to wrap things up, I hadn't yet had a leave date so I wasn't sure when I'd be gone. But when I checked Facebook during a morning break I made a horrifying discovery.

Okay, so she also said to wait a day, she might regret saying it. She may have only said it so she could get some sleep that night.

Saturday... Wait...


She didn't.

So now it's 17 days later.

I'm unemployed.
I'm in Brisbane.
I have a girlfriend who I get to have awkward phone calls with for at least six months before I get to be awkward to her in person.

I hope I haven't really hurt anyone with these decisions. But I'd like to tell those people, I am happy. I'm sorry I put my happiness first about something, but, seriously.

You're apologising for being happy?


This year didn't go the way it was supposed to, that's all. And my idea of happiness doesn't match a lot of other peoples' ideas of happiness. I don't know, I just feel someway guilty for enjoying myself.

You're not hurting anyone in the process are you?


Disappointing, maybe. Some words of advice I got told earlier this year were along the lines of putting aside happiness now, because you have to suffer now to be happy later, if you are reckless now, you'll pay for it later. People are just concerned for me now. Sure I might be singing "The Car Song" when they'd prefer me to be singing "Shop Vac"

So, what you are saying is, you are scared if you don't prioritise your own happiness now, you are scared that you'll never prioritise it, leaving you permanently unhappy, but tolerating it in the belief that you will be happy later. But, in the long run never actually finding happiness because you never put aside time for it?


Erm.... Okay. Actually I just think everybody should watch that sweet typography video. Seriously, so close to justifying getting After Effects to do stuff like that. Oh and something about not gunning down a shopping centre and myself in 20 years.

Weren't you telling me that this female wanted to settle down eventually?


Yes, but then it will be tolerable.

Why?


Because, I could be settling down with her. As I said before, currently, I can make her smile.

Wooh! You've been going out like less than two weeks..

-.- I SAID, I haven't met her yet, I have no idea if I can get her to smile like that. And more importantly, making her smile "like that" is pretty low on my list of priorities. I'm more interested in coming up with in jokes and continuing to make her feel good about herself. I mean, I could worship the ground she walks on, but apparently that just gets annoying, I just want to make sure she can continue tolerating me in return for killing some time with her.

So, you jumped on board with her because she's the first girl who looked at you and didn't throw up?


No!

If I recall correctly you have spent the last four years convincing me that you are the ultimate boyfriend, you doing a good job?


... I'm shitting myself. I'm trying my best.

Just be careful, I'm sure you are great if you continue to be yourself.


So, no sending her a picture of my junk?

Good luck with that... Well, can we at least get an introduction.


Okay.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Miss Stalkee #3's knee!

Could you have chosen a worse photo of me?

Probably not. But that's because there is no bad photo of you.

Aww how sweet, I think I'm getting a cavity.

Hey, why does she get the same font as me? It's because she's tangible, isn't it!

We'll sort this out later. So again, that was my week. Now I get to sort out new job applications and date nights\afternoons in multiple time zones.

The only thing really troubling me is the fact I speak in Times New Roman. Although can someone from the eighties explain to me what is so attractive about a woman having a midnight snack?

Graffiti of the week:

"John Roberts is famous to 1,539 people

"Only one is his mum. The rest are friends of his mum"

"Please DRIVE HOME SAFELY TO YOUR FAMILY"  Technically a sign, but damn random.

"Sitting in this area PROHIBITED" Again, a sign, this time unreadable, but right in front of train tracks. Luckily you can stand there and take a picture of the sign if you want.

Jobs sadly available:

Diagram designer at unspecified work place. Good rates. No computer networking experience required.

Again, that's in jest.


Places where she is. Sixteen thousand, one hundred and forty kilometres, if anyone wanted a distance count. Approx. As the bird flies. Sixteen thousand, one hundred and forty two if I go to the city.

Which reminds me "As the bird flies" is a really bad idiom, birds don't fly in dead straight lines, and they take naps. Except for the Albatross, who can fly while asleep. Seriously, that's SO AWESOME.

"I'm... so tired... can't stay.. awake....
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..


Holy crap I'm in Greenland!"

Until I get banned from the network, or find a new job, Good bye!

"Blob" design copyright Cindy Flowers

400 Days of Maturity

This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.

This isn't a blog for uni. This is a serious work related document. You've got to write like what you are writing might get put in front of the commissioner.

This is a bit of an oxymoron in my opinion, I wouldn't mind the commissioner reading my blog or the document I've written. Even the planned "10 things I think females should know about semen before having sex." post. I'm not sure if the commissioner of my work is very impressed by semen based humour, particularly by one of their employee's, but the fact is, I'm totally unconcerned about him reading it, even with the spelling misteaks.

But I guess I get the point my boss is trying to make. I need to take work more seriously. Work is hard to take seriously when you've just spent the last 21 years taking nothing seriously, in fact, going out of your way to take nothing seriously. Sure it's occasionally caused some problem, but now, this is serious business.

This means making schedules, doing research and doing all the things that has made work dull and tedious.

You ever see one of those kids shows, and they have two actors, one stands out front the other peeps from behind a wall and all the kids scream "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" and then that guy hides again, and the first performer goes and looks and he's gone?

No? Well, anyway, that's how I feel at work, something is just there, everyone is screaming, "Do this and you'll be good!" but I just can't help being an idiot and turning at the wrong moment. by which point the possibility of doing something that will impress people has long since vanished, oh well.

So that afternoon I come home, feeling a bit down. In a "Why am I here kind of mood" that I go look at some stuff from when I was happy.

My mind immediately goes to my first posts that I really poured out way too much of myself into. I read through the three posts relating to my love of representation of romance in children's films. Ah how good it felt to vent that. But of course, I look it at now. I see really short posts, no flow of wording and just a generally terrible attempt at sharing ideas. I look at what I sent my boss to read over and it's the same. Disjointed text, no flow and a poor attempt at sharing ideas.

But while I continue to struggle to attempt proper rhetoric, I have noticed that some of the content of that post could use a little update. And, as just over 400 days has passed I thought maybe my thoughts and opinions of these films would have matured likewise. That hasn't happened, but I think there does need to be some things mentioned that have happened in the meantime.

Wall-E. I'm still way too similar to this entity. I still watch this movie on average every 6 to 8 weeks, and it was only recently I got reminded that waiting for a woman to alter her opinion based on the way I treat her while she is sleeping is not so great, especially if you get your junk trapped in hers.

Happy Feet. While I am sad that Ms Murphy did decide to top herself and Pink probably won't be a perfect replacement, "Raise your flippers" might be quite catchy. Hopefully the new voice will ad some more energy to the character. I mean, that part at the end where she's like

"I guess I never heard the right song."


And the first response he can think of is "That's great." and she just doesn't bitchslap him right there saying "It's not like I didn't hear some nice ones, I could of had anybody here. It's not like I spent the last umpteen summers sitting on some lonely glacier somewhere watching the horizon waiting for you to see your body swimming toward me, I was listening to every Thomas, Richard and Henry out there. Even some Harriets occasionally. I'd eaten some odd fish that day or something. Hell, one night I even found Ramon was disproportional, not enough evidently, but you catch my drift. And then one day after hanging out with the new borns (As I said before, desperate.), I heard a song so wrong I had to help, because if I heard one more off key note, I would of probably given him to a whale because it reminded me too much of someone else who couldn't sing. So I got into Blues, and had to teach lots of other lonely try hard how to impress ladies with songs of being lost without that special someone. And then a few turns of the earth later you sidle up here, and you expect me to still want you, and you expect me to believe you'll never look at any one else, or ever be one more inch further than 70 miles away from you, because if you ever look at any one else, or if you ever go an inch further away, or spend one second of the moments we're together without your fins wrapped around mine, I don't think I could handle it this time.."

Again, the being desperate and waiting for her to come around apparently works perfectly in movies, but in real life a bit more of a challenge.

Which bring us onto the third film I chose to talk about that evening. Sigh.

Arthur and the Minimoys, was, I thought, going to be a nice trilogy, poor reviews, not really heard of, but would be special, just a "for me" kind of thing, but anyone I showed it to would more or less enjoy it.

Unfortunately, it did all go downhill in the second and third movies. Selena Gomez, despite her similar name to the female protagonist, could not fill the shoes of Madonna, and made her extremely childish. The writer really did get sloppy with the relationship between her and Arthur, the third one having her again trying to pull the sword from the stone, even though she tied doing this for several minutes during the first one, and replaced it back in the stone, PURELY for Arthur's return, but this all seems to have been forgotten and the only illusion towards Arthur and Selenia being a couple is reflected in a train scene where they end up ontop of one another. Several times. Sure it's no "Happy Feet" 'slippery ice' scene, but I'm not actually annoyed at this scene as that it's not risque enough, I'm annoyed because it's the only scene in the third film where Selenia isn't complaining, she knows Arthur will pull through, yet, seems to have short term memory loss cause all the lust, which was pretty much all she was showing in the second film, is gone. And here's me thinking, it's just going to end with Selenia joining the human racce, no, she's going to stay a minimoy, Arthur stays a human and we're back to where we were at the end of the first film, except for a city partially burnt down. Oh and a broken telescope, so you know, Arthur is going to have to have some difficulties if he's ever going to make it back to the Minimoys.

You know how most series get more mature with each film, this goes backwards, seriously.

There's something else, isn't there?


Hmm?

I mean, why are you bringing up a post from 400 days ago, what's so special about that?


Cause it's been four hundred days, yay!

So every four hundred days you're just going to patch together old jokes?


No, it's just I don't really want to.. Nevermind.

Go on, I think we're about to have a break through.


It's just. Back then I didn't have to grow up yet.

Here we go! What do you mean, child, what's stressing you out now, I mean, it can't be just work, can it?


I thought it was getting better. But it isn't. I still do repeated "Learning Opportunities"

And what's wrong with making the same mistake over and over again? Apart from the fact that primates don't even do that.


That's just the thing, I'M AN IDIOT. I'm not a suitable candidate for this roll, this roll, calls for someone mature and logical and able to follow a schedule. I can't even ever follow my own schedule.

Look, if you feel that you're that bad at the job, leave.


I can't, it would terrible on my resume, I probably wouldn't be able to secure another well paying job.

So give them what they want, become an ideal corporate citizen.


I'm trying but it's hard when you just want to do things your own way.

Aren't you moving onto your next rotation soon?


Yes, well, hopefully, and I don't know, maybe that one won't be any better. I've still got to manage to finnish this project in my current rotation, which I'm still not sure I'm good enough for.

It's getting done, isn't it?


Yes, but what if the next rotation I don't go so well, I'm going get put on many projects that may not work out, that I can't can't handle, this is going to end badly...

What you need, is somewhere to vent these anxieties, sometime after work.


After work, I'm exhausted, I have nothing to come home to but my own mess, my own energy to make some tea and get ready for the next day, and find some time to sleep.

Take some time off!


I can't, project is running to a tight schedule. And any time I have off, all I am doing is being constantly reminded that it's going to end and I'm going to have to go back to work.

All of us go through that. Geez, I didn't want to do this. When you meet Stalkee #n, she is going to expect a person who is logically put together, able to balance work and life, willing to put in a 40 hour work week at some high paying job that is very difficult, which make you able to afford any compensating item she desires. You are suppose to take her on trips for a few weeks to lovely places in in Europe, America and New Zealand. You are suppose to move back to Perth, raise a family of a couple of children, in a beautiful 2 by 4 on some street within walking distance to local schools, parks and shops.


No. You know as well as I do, she wouldn't like that. I'm not even mature enough to know exactly what I want, I know it isn't this, I know it isn't coming home to an empty house, not knowing how to properly ballroom dance, knowing that I have to wake up at the same time every day, knowing pretty much what today has instore for me. It's hard to say, but I'm probably still not the person she falls for. I'm still too desperate for her. Maybe there is a place for me there, but I wanna be weird, I want to do things in ways that confuse people. I want to be respected, head hunted even, for my crazy way of doing things.

First, you've got to conform, work your way your way up.


This is the first time, I've ever been really restricted with how I work, and it feels so wrong, so wasted. And I feel like a part of me is wanting me to fail, and that feels even worse.  I don't know who or what broke me, but I don't want to be fixed. And everybody wants me to be fixed. It reminds me of a story I once heard that the original host of Blue's Clue's was once asked "Could you please not look like you, tomorrow?" but I also once heard that he died of a heroin overdose, so I don't know what to believe.

The point is I currently have nothing to look forward to right now, Work is not so great, home life is kinda lonely, and I've got nothing to come home to, except for a few friends kilometres away and a family falling to pieces. Well, partially. I mean, if there was just a crutch that I could lean on, something positive somewhere.

So are you going to try make something better?


Yeah, but it's difficult to just say, this week, I'm going to find some friends! Or, this week Stalkee #n is going to find me! Stalkee #n, who's so relaxed and at ease where ever she is, has managed to stay so relaxed that she hasn't found me yet. It's not as though I've given her much opportunity. Not as though I can realistically expect her to pick the right building and floor in Brisbane and whisk me off to some special ten minute happy place. Perhaps she should try to meet me on the train. An afternoon would be preferable. Her best chance would be the eight-minute ride between Central and home, so she'll have to be a fast worker..


It is incredible how much effort you went to in order to include that "48 Shades of Brown" quote


Yeah, it really annoys me that I only rediscovered it a couple of nights ago, otherwise I would of attached it to every blog post.


Please don't attach it to every blog post, it's funny coming from a 17 year old, from a 21 year old it's just creepy. Wait, you changed it to "ten-minute" in the book it's two, why do you think you can..


Okay, well anyway, the point I was trying to make is, yes I can make all the effort I want to try and get something to come home to, but in the end, I just wait for things to fall into place.


So that's it. In 400 days you've learnt you're not as mature as you thought you were and now your not happy but for different reasons that you weren't happy 400 days ago.


That pretty much sums it up.


But you have learnt something. You know what makes you happy. And that's massive, not many people do that in their entire lifetime and you've worked it out by 21. And the best moments of your life haven't happened yet, so why can't you look forward to that?


Wait, what makes me happy? OH THAT. Oh yes. But I am slightly sick of looking forward, so I'll move on now to things I have seen


Graffiti of the week:

 This actually has appeared on a number of sites, but I can be proud and say, I noticed it and took a photo. 

I'm not sure how they got the whole band inside a box.

"No Diving, there is no lifeguard."

Good night!

Ignorance and Apathy Part Two

This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.

THIS is a placeholder. You see, I spent 6 hours on Sunday, pooring my heart out about how poor the last few weeks have gone, and then I read it, and as much I like spilling out everything on this blog, that post will be reserved for a psychiatrist and my biographer. So, rather than depressing you with the details of:

• My parents
• The really awkward weekend with my sister and brother in law
• The mess that my room  and office is in
• The awkward upcoming weeks with my parents
• The unfulfilling aspects of my work (Although it has slowly been getting better.)
• The patch of carpet I've destroyed
• How mouldy cheese can get
• That time a few weeks ago I almost became victim of a one punch kill after making a suggestion about an orgy
• The actually quite nice drunk people I've become best friends with for a night
• That time I thought a girl was flirting with me, and it actually just turns out she knew me from work, (She can actually technically fire me, (Despite her friend saying "Whatever happens on the piss, stays on the piss." No it doesn't, it goes on Facebook.) so not going anywhere near that.)
• That time I had a flat battery
• That time, after being jump started by the RACQ guy that then stalled his car, locking my car in my garage, to run for about half an hour to recharge the battery, I was like 10 seconds from opening the door again, then I was like, wait, people KILL themselves that way... So having a garage that smelled like carbon monoxide for three days after
• What it's like to try and have a conversation about work while getting a lap dance
• That Swedish backpackers suck at Trivial Pursuit
• How to almost catch fire to a cupboard with a dodgey toaster and a pop tart
• That the word "Bubbler" is actually used to mean drinking fountain, I thought this was actually a joke done by Eastern States people to the rest of the world, but they ACTUALLY SAY IT.
• That time in the movie theatre that I had 10 year olds almost wet themselves when they found out there's a new Winnie the Pooh movie. (Yes, good books ARE still read to youngsters.)
• What it's like to get a free copy of Portal 2, then to get it signed by Ben "Yahtzee" Crosshaw
• SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
• What it's like to attend a model train expo
• What it's like to meet your neighbours wearing no pants
• I need to bring some washing in
• That I'm going to have a statue of a naked, pregnant 8 year old on my desk in a few weeks. Seriously, I don't know where the hell I'm going to put it. It is only short, but still awkward. And it glows in the dark. And going to be next to a statue of Duke Nukem.
• Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mt. Everest, did so accidentally while chasing a bird.

God, life is so dull and boring right now. To make up for this, I propose a post "400 Days of Maturity." Which I really am putting a lot of effort into, put not revealing to much of other people's lives. This will go up HOPEFULLY on the 23rd of May. In the mean time...

Graffiti of the Week

Praise

The timeless Being

With your dick

Speaking of timeless beings, only 200 more seasons of Dr. Who :'(

Okay, this isn't graffiti, but I see it on the way to work and I just think it's hilarious, I mean, there's a beauty spa, willing to give you, well, okay I guess there'd be a limit of one per day. But that's still up to 31 facials. I mean that's a lot of face cream. I haven't enquired about a price for this service, but for someone to use that much face cream must be pretty expensive.

I'm actually not trying to make this a semen-related joke, that's just a serious amount of face time.

Positions sadly unavailable

Someone to tidy my place. The kitchen, bathroom and lounge room look lovely, but the study and my room.. Well, it looks like I live there.

That positions actually still avalible, but the second someone picks up the 5th bundle of tissues they get suspicious. I have had a TERRIBLE cold, I'm dead serious, I've got the vit C in my bag to prove it.

Places where she isn't

She doesn't go to RG's, or if she does, she makes one of those "I am unapproachable faces." or travels with friends. Females with more than two friends fall into this zone of "wanting to have a fun night" by themselves. Thing that annoys me about girls going out in groups is REDACTED         REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED    REDACTED  and that apparently makes ever guy an REDACTED    REDACTED     REDACTED      REDACTED     REDACTED      REDACTED  REDACTED    REDACTED but secretly, that means she REDACTED       REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTEDa whipping boy REDACTED    REDACTED        REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED REDACTED   REDACTED   REDACTED     REDACTED and she'd probably go into some guys van if they asked her to hop in   REDACTED    REDACTED    REDACTED  REDACTED       REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTED     REDACTEDbut of course that reservedness just means she's the only sane one there. And as long as she's with those "friends" she probably won't get to talk with the guy who would REDACTED her like she needs it.

Until I get banned from the network, for posting actual content, goodbye.

First Inmates, awkward moments and the (un)happiest day of your life

This blog does not represent the opinion of any company, industry or persons mentioned. This blog is written for entertainment purposes only and is not be taken seriously.


First it was like "See you in April." Then it was "See you in a month's time." Then "See you in two weeks" Now it's "see you on Thursday."


A few days and I'll be showing off the fact that I have a place. And that all the mess I have was created by me. Okay, while I admit that's impressive in a bad way, it's not so bad, cause we're hardly going to be here, although where they're planning to sleep currently has a shirt and some newspapers on it, but that can be moved onto the pile of other shirts and newspapers on the other side of the room.

Although it does bring up an interesting point - complacency. How often have you gone to another town, city or country and gone WOW, look at all that stuff! Random large fibreglass objects! Beaches! Buildings! But how often do you look around where you live and go "It's just a big pineapple, yeah, you can go inside, but it's not that interesting." "Yeah, there's a large bank shaped by years of tidal movements and wind has formed dunes pressured into landmasses." "Yeah, an architecture firm has decided that residential accommodation and commercial space so has achieved approval by a local council to build a structure to accommodate aforementioned people or businesses."

But when you're seeing it for the first time, all the mundaneness disappears, every tiny thing is interesting, especially if it's different to what you're used to. Different shops, different expectations different weather, it's all damn interesting. When I was in Melbourne a while ago, or even when I went to Canberra, my sister did mention this, seeing me excited about experience stuff that was foreign to me but dull to her did give her a bit of a kick. Seriously, how uninventive is the name "Canberra MILK." "Oh, I wonder where I brought this drink and what it is? OH It's right there on the label, What's inside, OH that's on there too."

However, this does mean learning to be a host. I've barely act mature enough at work. And now I have to act like I know how to drive around Brisbane, know my way around the city (Getting there, or at least, the little part I am in most of the time.), know what lane I need to be in not to end up on a toll road or heading in the wrong direction (TomTom for some reason feel it necessary to remove to image of what lane you need to be in 100 metres before you need to turn, also removing for the display the current speed limit for the road you are on, but choose to keep the ETA, come on guys, do some user testing of people who don't know the area they're driving around. And add better descriptors when you need to do a series of turns in a short distance. Oh funny thing, driving out to out to Botanical Gardens (Which I will talk about shortly.) There's huge changes going on with adding in new major roads to Ipswitch, there's electronic signs which actually have "Ignore G.P.S." Now, I though this was common sense, the second I see roadworks, I follow the roadworks, but I mean, I do see their point, it's just interesting to see that they think it so important that they must put it on a sign. Must be a Queensland thing.).

And then it comes to showing off my actual place and that's where things go really wrong. I don't actually like to live in a mess, I just will admit that I have a "male mind" that is easily distracted and can't really control a list of tasks I want to complete. So when I remember something I need to do, I feel obliged to do it then and there to make sure it gets done. Dropping whatever I am doing. (Hey, I've only ever broken one plat doing this, I have since switched to, "safely putting down whatever I am holding.) and going and doing that task. Hence, there is "Put down" stuff everywhere. But during this week I have made an effort, surprisingly a couple of nights I have just walked in door, put my bag down, and started moving things, wiping stuff down, it's all gotten quite exciting.

Now I'm going to take a brief moment to shout out the blog I stole this from (My Paint skills are not that good.) It's pretty much like this blog. If the posts were shorter. And written by a female. And more interesting. And had readers. And not so try hard. And had more interesting stories. But you know the Internet, a constant stream of inside jokes, poor spelling and people who are better than you.

The closest thing I can relate it to really is if Gir wrote a blog. If you know who I'm talking about, give yourself a cupcake. And then morn a bit. Then celebrate because you know probably the best, most messed up (In a good way.), kids show in existence that deserves 12 more seasons. One of the best episodes being a kids watching an alien eat waffles.



On the plus side I have found a bar where you can easily talk next to anyone sitting beside you, as long as you can put up with cigarette smoke. Maybe it's just me, but smoking appears to be a lot bigger in Brisbane than it was in Perth, sure you'd see a small collection of people smoking outside of a pub or club awkwardly standing next to each other. I mean, I thought people used it as a conversation piece. "You like nicotine? I also like nicotine!" But in Brisbane, alcohol rules are a lot different, there doesn't need to be as much of a border between a place you can drink alcohol and a public walkway, so there are lots of pubs in the centre of malls (Malls as in, streets which are closed off to cars.) And at these places, as they are not indoors, you can smoke there, hence smoking and drinking outdoors is a lot more common than Perth, were such a thing is actually a crime. But smoking itself just appears to be accepted a lot more, in Perth, I remember smokers getting evil looks a lot here it's just a thing to do, so unfortunately to go to this nice outdoor pub, you need to tolerate that, and you should bring a lighter. I mean, that's one of the starting conversations is "Do you have a lighter?" I think people do this intentionally to start conversation, although luckily for me my quick thinking has enabled me to still start a conversation without a lighter. (Random turns to me.) "Do you have a lighter?" "No, sorry I'm trying to cut back." "Oh really? How's that going?" "Erm.. Pretty good, actually, I was only really a social smoker, but a few months back a realised I was starting to smoke every other day, so I decided that I should just quit, so I'm back to really smoking every couple of weeks so that good. But anyway, I'm Lachlan"

Sometimes if you're lucky, the person you are talking to has also tried to quit some time in their life, and understands "what you are going through" and tries to help by not blowing smoke directly in you face, or even putting their cigarettes away, which is nice. The most recent time I tried to smoke was at a get together with mates from work

You see to the left of the pack, the three centimetres of cigar that's not there? ALL ME. Awww Yeah. Couldn't even keep the darn thing lit. I blame it on the fact that I wasn't wearing a smoking jacket and monocle or in a large chair discussing stocks.

Any frequent reader of mine, knows that there's some statements that you really only hear in movies or TV shows that I'd like to utter at least once in my lifetime. Stuff like "But my night was only just beginning." or "And that's when it happened." or even "The carcass of the building fell in beautiful blaze of flame and glory, we could hear the air raid sirens going off in the distance, the far off screaming of children awoken by the catastrophe and the endless slicing of air made by the planes above and in that moment, amongst the chaos, she looked deep into my eyes then closed them and kissed me deeply and passionately, for what we had achieved." and of course  "Drinks are on me!"

There are however phrases I've never wanted to say, and unfortunately, one of them has come up twice in the last few weeks.

"I'll tell you about it later."

I heard this phrase a lot during high school, or hanging out with friends. The first thing I noticed about the phrase, it was uttered usually by females, but always when I was hanging out with people I didn't know particularly well.I always heard it as "Something happened or I know something that I'm embarrassed to talk about so I'll only talk about it with really close friends because I'm scared the people here will judge me." Why do I read it like that? Because that what I mean when I say it.

If it can come up in conversation, I will happily talk about the time I ran through my primary school naked (Which I have previously talked about in this or my previous blog.), I will happily talk about nocturnal emissions (This one I'm a little bit hesitate about, but only because I think that it should be talked about in an impartial way, what happened in the dream is something that is personal to you, it shouldn't define your personality. Too many times I talk about this, and people begin to joke around with the topic and then when I start actually talking about it seriously, even philosophically or or in terms of brain chemistry they go "Ew! That's gross! I didn't want to hear that." And then once your sixteen, it's a dead topic. Look, blame the dry spell or whatever, sex is something that I like to vent about, because it's interesting and I'm not really allowed to talk about work in this blog. Am I pervert? Sort of, but I only know a few people that loneliness effects them as much as me, and I just think if I did, than possibly I'd be able to handle it better than I do and you'd get less crap in this blog.) I will even talk about features of my body, needing to go do some basic English classes in year 11 and 12 (You wouldn't believe it, but they have helped.), the way I totally screwed up year 8 Social Studies and the daunting feeling of going from the top of class in year 7, to being the runt in an advanced learning program, which totally killed my self esteem and brought all sorts of loathing and self doubt. The times when I was totally douchey and arrogant for 4 years to one of the people who is now one of my best friends. The time in year 10 when I had to admit to a teacher that I didn't know how to ride a bike. The 3 times I've gotten caught looking at porn (Twice when I was fourteen, once when I was 17. I don't know why looking at porn is legal AFTER you can legally have sex. To me, this should be the other way round, you should be able to look at a non-judging female naked and retain your composure before being able to see on in the flesh who will judge you. I think this was perfectly summed up when a female friend asked me "I personally don't get porn, you want to get off, so your going to look at other people having sex?" and I replied "Seriously, when you have no opportunities yourself this is the closest you can get, so it's enjoyable in a very disgusting warped way. If you don't get why people look at porn, I don't think you ever will, it's a kind of personal thing.") But seriously THREE times? I call that very impressive, seeing all the opportunities I sort of gave people to bust me.

But a couple of experiences I've had, had just left me feeling drained emotionally, if it wasn't for some very nice people handling some late phone calls last night I think I would have felt so gross I might have drunk myself into a stupor or threw up. I mean, they're stupid, and I know a lot of people, if they heard them, would say "How the hell did that effect you like that?" (Effect? Affect? Crap. Those English lessons never taught me the difference. I know Effect is the verb and affect is the noun, but I still use the wrong one.) but they did, I'd just like to thank those that I talked to last night. Ironically, I think if they happened with those people I don't think I would of felt gross at all. But you get that.

So I'll tell you later. If you promise not to judge me, you know I'm a okay guy. Opportunities just present themselves.

After an overly long absence:
Graffiti of the Week!!!!!!

Reasons #306 to go to the Mana Bar, cool people go there, as in TALENTED bored people go there, how is this place not a landmark yet?!

It is dangerous to be inside this lift alone at my work, here, take this. 

This was at a planetarium in Indooroopilly. I hate to tell him but an air vent is not in space.

Positions sadly unavailable:

Room mate: Space for two people to spend Easter with lonely male, non-smoker (He's giving up.). Accommodation provided on sofa bed. Food will be provided if they identify something they want to eat, and perhaps if they buy the tickets they can out to Warner Brothers Movie World and he will shout them lunch. Maybe even go to Sea World, if they don't mind looking at penguins.

Pen Pal: Person outside of Australia to frequently communicate with bored person in Queensland. Must be able to brighten mood, recite meme's, post extremely long messages, not mind delays in replies and (if female.) being constantly complimented and occasionally creeped out (In these cases, she may prove that she is out of his league by winning QWOP, or simply one-uping his stories.). Must know lots of crazy stories and win a car before realising it's really silly to own a car in Amsterdam.

Places where she isn't:

Kholo Botanical Gardens. I have NO IDEA how to pronounce Kholo, all I know is it's quite a nice place. It has a large green grassed area and pretty much is in the middle of nowhere. (I.e. about 7 kilometres from Ipswitch.) with a few Barbecues, a small church and a toilet block. Well, okay it's a toilet block and something else, but seriously, looks nice from the outside.

That's it on the right.

The interesting thing is Kholo got flooded. Well, okay Toowoomba got flooded, but the flood waters came through here. So as a result, there was point where the nice calm stream here was a raging torrent and was extremely high. As a result, water banks, are washed out, man made paths and stairs are in poor shape, and at one point, there's this random bench just sitting there. Okay, so maybe all these areas happened to be fenced off. Where you can see water has brought up car tires, buckets, rubbish and a couple of thongs (Feet kind, and strangely, not a pair. Just two odd thongs.) But maybe you can easily get around these fences and see just how high the water level got with the fact that all the trees are bare for the first 5 metres of trunk. You wonder how all that water actually fitted cause the stream is about 8 centimetres across. I would of stayed longer and took a few more pictures but the ground got really muddy, and then, while walking through some bushes, wait, animals and insects come up into places like this shrubbery to get away from water. You know what, I don't want a brown snake story just yet. So, I.. may have ran like a little scared bitch.

Straight back to the grassed area to find that it had been set up (In the space of twenty minutes.) for a wedding. For being one of those guys who falls in love way to easily, is willing to drop everything to run and comfort a women, is just wanting to spend every night for the rest of my life embraced in the arms of other, forgetting the world and all its problems, living purely for that single moment... Weddings piss the fuck out of me.

Weddings are meant to be a day for two people to really show that they are so into each other that no one else really matters to them. once meaning, you like this person so much, this is the only person you ever will/want to experience sex with. (In one community, the couple could not have sex until their second anniversary. TWO YEARS. Now that's dedication, which is sort of how I see romance, and sort of not. To me romance can also be the other way, when you are so into a person, they make you scream "SCREW PROTOCOL." And I mean that's the thing, when the civilisation I have been brought up actively encourages that couples physically bond and sometimes even live together before marriage, the wedding itself has a different meaning. It's like "I want this to continue." Not so much a change in the relation, not a change in what you mean to each other, maybe not even a change in life style.  Probably not even a change in name. To be really honest, an "I'm not bored yet, and I hope I never will be." I've gotten sick of hearing stories about people expecting the relationship to evolve in marriage. Statistically speaking, there is probably someone better for you, statistically speaking, you will have disagreements, there is going to be a fuckton of compromise. As someone once said "Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly, it is entered because someone has screwed up your life perfectly." I'm paraphrasing, but the point is marriage is the big thing not the Wedding.

To skip the next paragraph, read this comic. Then click this link.

"The happiest day of your life" who came up with that bull crap. I haven't had a happiest entire day, I've had some fantastic moments. Some moments which I thought would be fantastic but were just mundane because I built up the emotion too much. And I think the "wedding day" is one of them. And even if you say it's the "Best day in the whole relationship" that's wrong too. The best day is 33 years 7 months and 12 days from now where he randomly buys her flowers when she's going through a bit of a tough time and he's been taking her for granted a bit. and it's matched with 17 other as equally romantic moments, because there shouldn't be a single best. And it's not completely all the best, cause some of it won't be, but those moments which were truly great were totally out of the blue and when no one else was around. I'm one of those guys that wants a simple wedding, a couple of people there who are special to us. Maybe a couple of ex-stalkee's to show that I'm not interested any more. The way I see it, if the tradition is that the father of the bride pays for the wedding. Then I don't really want to inconvenience him, as long as he doesn't think I'm too perverted for his daughter and he understands and has faith in me that I'll treat her right, the rest is extra. Okay, even if he does hate me, I don't care, there will be enough stupid posts on Facebook, and weird tribute videos, and random drives through the night (and if all goes well, even a flash mob.) to hopefully make up for that and show him I am completely, totally, and super cereal about treating his little girl right.  

Anyway, enough Vasopressin.

As all this raced through my mind as I stood away from the crowd. Wondering if I should have a nice sit on the grass sit back and watch. In previous weeks drives have lead me to Kangaroo point, a really nice cliff face  in the city (Yeah, just follow the river around, and all of a sudden, buildings, building buildings, CLIFF! Due to the nice sunset shinning on this rock face, the nice city views from standing at the top, driving round there Saturday evenings you will see a variety of weddings and photographers. By which point both the bride and groom have had enough and the wedding photographer is going through the motions. "Hold each other's hands, bigger smile, close your eyes, look into each other's eyes, rest you head on his shoulder, rest your head on her shoulder, surprise butt secs." I feel it a duty that someone needs to re-energrise them, they've probably got a reception to go to where they are expected to dance eat food, listen to speeches and probably have to stay awake till midnight. Before the male, for what maybe the only time in his life says "Yeah, I'm too tired." and she's like "Thank god, especially after hearing about what you did with your mates back in high school." "Hey that was one time." "No, that's seriously gross, I can't believe you didn't tell me that story." "Okay, we didn't know they were underage." "Oh, sure make excuses, that doesn't justify the fact that you are a sick strange man, who I now have to spend the rest of my life with." "OH YEAH, well that doesn't make up for that time time you kissed one them while you were drunk." "EXCUSE ME? Are you comparing an illegal act with once mistaking one of your friends for you at a club?" "He was blonde! Does this hair look blonde for you." "FINE. I may have thought he was attractive at one point in my life, yes." "Oh SO YOU ADMIT IT, YOU LITTLE MINX." "Screw you, I'm going and getting a drink" The male stands for several seconds then turns to her and says "Hey.. Did we just have our first fight as husband and wife." "Oh my god, we totally did, that was awesome!" "Hey you wanna sleep with your perverted husband for the first time." "I think I can get used to that."

So when I see these tired couples, I have the habit of rolling down my window and screaming "CONGRATULATIONS!" like a drunken idiot, because I think what they need is a random to identify the fact that the world now views them as a couple. That they now appear on a database somewhere with a shared primary key. And that's a hell of a bond to have.

OH GOD DAMMIT, I have written everything I can think of about weddings and the bride still hasn't shown up for this one, I don't care about the bridesmaids anymore, I'm bailing. And of course, the limo shows up, but by that time, I'm not sitting through a bloody wedding without someone to make rude comments too. And who should I almost hit coming out of the parking lot? Nevermind. The fact is, bride arrived in a limo, groom arrived in this

Classy.

The fact is Kholo park is a nice place to spend a little while surrounded by sounds of nature, maybe a nice place to have a wedding if you're into that kind of thing.

I think that's it. So until I get banned from the network, Good bye.